Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Hoarders: Susan and Michael

Susan from Tucson, Arizona

Susan is a truck driver. She is not a typical woman because she likesthings that guys like, like remote controls. She reminds me of the Lady of Leisure from Intervention. She doesn't look like her, but she
just has that air about her.

Charles looks like Cillian Murphy and he's Susan's son. Jennifer isSusan's daughter. They both seem pretty alright.

Mimi is Susan's mother and she is in a wheelchair. Susan's hoarding is hindering her mobility. She's in a rascal scooter so she's fairly mobile, but even those things are no match for the hoard.

Was/is Susan a lot lizard? Is that how she meets all these sketchy dudes. Oh nevermind. She appears to be an avid Craigslister.  That's a sketchy dude's most favorite place!

While Susan was attending her dad's funeral one of Susan's "friends" tied Mimi into the bathroom in her wheelchair. This didn't stop the hoarding/Craigslisting. She received $425,000 after her Dad died. She bought a shrimp boat, an oyster boat and purchased houses all over the country. Not kidding about the shrimp boat or oyster boat, BTW.  All the money was gone in a year and a half. She's living off of Mimi's retirement.

Dr. Suzanne Chabaud is on the scene. She learns that Susan can't keep herself from snatching up a good deal. Susan spent over $400,000 on hoard items, but she wouldn't spend $400 to fix her mom's prosthetic leg. Her mom is careful not to ask for anything. So she has just been going legless. This is so sad. Every episode of Hoarders is sad, but some episodes reach levels where you just wish there was poop to lighten the mood.

Oh good, Cory Chalmers is here! I bet Susan flirts with him.

Charles was injured in the hoard! Man down! This doesn't make Susan question this hoard.

They are removing Mimi from the hoard. No more pension for Susan. Thank god they are getting her out of there! Why was she there at all? Well she's free now and that's what matters.

They made over 3 rooms to show Susan how her life could be. They are guessing she will have those rooms re-hoarded soon.

Susan is on the road doing her trucking, but she plans to meet with a therapist when she's home from living the life she loves.

Michael from Greenville, South Carolina.


He's 58 years old and an
admitted hoarder. I'm always happy for the hoarders that know they are hoarders. He spent most of his life collecting "flair" and pretty things.

Christine is Michael's oldest sister. She was so shocked when she walked into Michael's house that death metal started playing IN HER MIND. No, nevermind. That's A&E's soundtrack trying to get you amped up for the hoard. Did it work? Speaking of amped, there is an energy shot called Tweaker. It's a real thing and people make bad decisions.

Teresa is Michael's ex. They dated for about 5 years. Michael would go weeks without taking a bath, changing his shirt or changing his pants. That became a problem. Teresa looks like a classy lady. Michael must be the nicest person ever because he could not shower for a week and date Teresa.

The hoard is effecting his health for the obvious reasons, but also because he can't refrigerate his insulin.

Michael had a domineering father. How domineering? He was an elite SS trooper.

He wanted Michael to be a leader in the Germanic cause, a leader of the 4th reich. Shit just got real and horrible. Really horrible. Michael told him he wasn't going to do anything like that. He'll wear lederhosen, but he won't do that. No he won't do that.

Michael was/is a gentle person. You could tell that right away. Hoarders didn't need to tell us that. They did because they have to, but they didn't need to.

HIS DAD COOKED MICHAEL'S PET RABBIT. After Michael ate it his Dad asked him how he liked it and then told him it was his pet rabbit. Poor dude. That's the day Michael knew his father was a monster. He knew he was the bad guy.

Matt Paxton has arrived at night. (slumber party) He brought dinner for Michael because Matt is a good person. He's spending the night WITH Michael, so this is different. This works for me as a new thing to do. Stay up and girl chat, have some dinner. This works. Matt is doing the usual slumber party thing, sweating his balls off in the hoard.

Michael is pretty sure he has a $100,000 flower painting behind some stuff.

Matt asked Michael where he would go if he had that $100,000. His answer, Goodwill.  And I think he means it.

Michael says he could get the house all fixed up, be as clean as Doris Day and he could still be homeless at the end of this, because it isn't his house. He has a landlord. Can he go and live with Matt? Do you ever try to bring hoarders home with you, Matt?

Dr. Melva Green AND Matt Paxton working together.

Since Michael believes that everything he owns is valuable, they
brought in an appraiser.

BAH-LO-NAH. That's how Michael says "bologna" and it's the best way I've heard to say bologna.

Michael is hoping to die of a heart attack so his ghost will follow Matt Paxton for the rest of his life. That's about as harsh as Michael gets with people.

The appraiser just told Michael his $100,000 painting was actually worth about $100.

Matt senses Michael needs to talk about his Dad. That's Dr. Green rubbing off on Matt. Matt's Dad died 10 years ago. So he's sharing some personal stories (Plus they had a slumber party and that brings people closer.) Some of his Dad was good, some was bad. He can't spend the rest of his life trying to make his Dad happy. That's deep. That's something for all of us to think about.

And now Michael is throwing stuff away. And just as things were going wonderfully Matt makes a "startling" discovery. (Always with the startling discoveries.) There's a hole in the roof. Matt can see the sky from inside the house, and some asbestos just to ensure the house will have to be condemned because the inspector will be checking the place out.

The crew kicked it into ludicrous speed before the inspectors arrival. And THEY DID IT!! They did it. Michael is not homeless.

"You are fucking angels." Michael about the Hoarders crew. Michael is adorably happy.

He is living in his home and working with an aftercare therapist.
And he's back together with Teresa. Not really, but that would be great!


DanicaWP said...

Okay, this is all I have to say about this episode:

SS Officers should not be allowed to move to a cushy pad in South Carolina where they can continue to live and raise/torture a family. Seriously! What the fucking fuck dude? AND...he was still fully committed to the Riech?!?! I know, I know...Sweet old Michael wouldn't be here if his father had been held before a Jewish Tribunal, but still. It creeps me out to think that there could be a Nazi here in Kansas who's still clinging on to hope that the Furer will rise...ick...

...Oh, and Susan is evil.

Random Visitor said...

Ughhh Susan made me so angry. Your scuzzy friends TIED UP YOUR MOTHER AND ROBBED HER, you asshole. My disgust for her knows no bounds. I'm just glad they got poor Mimi out of there and far, far away from Susan and all her trash.

The fact that she frittered away four hundred thousand dollars made me irrationally angry, too, mostly because I think about all the things I would do with that money, like take care of my mom in her retirement. But nope, Susan's got shrimp boats to buy! She can just live off her crippled mother's pension and trap her in a house full of garbage! Jerk.

Felt pretty bad for Michael. He seemed like a nice guy. I'm glad they improved his situation some. At least now hopefully he can refrigerate his insulin.

A&E's stupid melodramatic soundtrack has got to go, though. We can make our own decisions about how to react to scenes of squalor and human depravity, A&E, you don't need to give us musical prompts.

Lees said...

I have been reading your Hoarders recaps for years. This show has prompted me to clean my house many times. I just had a "lost weekend" of extreme cleaning. I was pretty relieved that I didn't find any sail animals.

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