Monday, October 8, 2012

Hoarders: Shanna and Lynda

My ode to Matt Paxton
 Good news, everybody! There's going to be poop on Hoarders tonight. It's all we've been wanting all season, A&E! We didn't want sleep overs. We didn't want new, dramatic music. We wanted poop! Piles and piles of poop.

In case you didn't know Ruth the Hoarder is on facebook. You remember, Ruth.

And obviously if you have a problem with how you were depicted in an episode of Hoarders you should contact me because THAT IS MY FAULT!

Shanna from Bothell, Washington
She's in head to toe beige. She blends in with the hoard.

Will is Shanna's brother-in-law. Strange that we are being introduced to him first.

Shanna's brother and sister have now arrived on the introduction scene. The city is threatening to take Shanna's house. They have 7 days. Hurry!

Shanna comes from a long line of hoarders. I don't actually know how long the line is, she's a second generation hoarder. It's the family tradition!

Shanna's brother and sister cite the hoard as a possible cause of the death of their mother.

I just saw Shanna cleaning up either puke or poop. So, maybe things aren't so bad. She's cleaning!

"My mother used to put poop in a jug." Shanna just reminicsing about her mother. She claims that after you put poop in a jug it's called a "dirty water jug". Is that better or worse than just calling a poop jug a "poop jug"?

Her brother in law hopes that her poop jars are not sentimental to her. Well, hope in one hand and hold a jug of poop in another. See which gets filled first.

"When the bucket is full of pee and poop it's really hard to lift it." And so SHE PUTS IT INTO A SMALLER BUCKET. Dear god. This is happening on A&E right now. This is really happening on television. THIS IS AMERICA!

None of the neighbors have said anything to Shanna about dumping her poop buckets so she's taking that as the green light for throwing poop in the yard.

Matt Paxton is going to spend the night at Shanna's for god knows what reason. A&E just has decided this needs to happen to Paxton and Chamlers. It doesn't! I'm good. They don't need to prove anything to me.

Way to not take the final decision, Matt. I knew you wouldn't do it. Matt Paxton would never shit in a bucket. I never doubted you.

"She really loves the bucket. "  This is Matt's hoard. His entire career in clean-up and zingers has been leading to this.

Matt asks her the main cause of the smell is in the house. I'll have you know that it's nothing but "musty odor". Matt calmly explains, "It's the feces and the urine that's in the house. A musty odor of feces and urine." A groundbreaking moment? She had no idea. "You have to tell me this!" He did. Matt Paxton just taught a woman that poop and pee stink.

"I learned a lesson about fecal matter today if nothing else." Shanna delivering, perhaps, the best line that's ever been said on Hoarders. They are trying to win us back! Thanks, A&E! This is EXACTLY what we've been missing!!! And now Matt says there are bloody tampons. This is it!
And here are some pictures. I'm sorry.

Zasio is on the scene. They are bringing it. This is better than the season premier, by far. Paxton tells Zasio having her there is crucial. They make such a great team.

"Jesus is Love" Jesus is making quite a few appearances tonight.

Shanna would never eat moldy bread! Gah. She's going to pick the mold off. Don't be ridiculous!

"This is the first time in hoarder history I've ever suited up." Ms. Robin Zasio.

This is the grossest hoard in the history of hoard.

There are 100 galloons of urine and poop in each trash can. There are SO MANY trash cans.

"It's all contaminated. It's all got shit and piss on it." Shanna's brother Shawn dropping some realness.

Shanna is claming "Some things can be saved. That's what an extreme, cleaning specialist told me. Are you going to argue with him, then?" This is not a true statement. Matt Paxton would never say that.

Scott's thoughts: I don't know if this woman should get a make-over.

 Matt begs us all to check on their family. CHECK ON YOUR FAMILY!

Shanna has requested to speak with Paxton and Zasio. She wants to eat a little bit more contaminated food before the party is over. And this is the look on their faces upon hearing that.
 
"When somebody goes on Intervention they want to get high one last time. The party ends for me tomorrow."
"How is eating contaminated food a party?" (Dr. Z)
"Why the fuck does it matter? I've been eating poop for 12 years."

And there you have it. What do you say to that? When it's time to party Shanna partys hard. For those of you that think Hoarders are just lazy...that's not really a common symptom of laziness.
"I want to get high one last time."
"You're getting a high out of thinking you've got fecal matter in your food." (Dr. Z)
"It's my last blaze of glory."

Typical lazy person talk.
 
How is Shanna even watching Intervention? Do you think she watches Intervention and then sits at home thinking she makes good decisions? You know, like the rest of us do while watching. 

Matt is making her tell him where she's going to go to the bathroom. She's claiming toilet. I'm doubting toilet.

Zasio is breaking it to the family that she can't live alone, which she shouldn't have had to break to them. Now she's breaking it to Shanna. Nola agreed to let Shanna live with her.

The house has to be stripped to the studs. Nothing is salvagable. It's cheaper to bulldoze and build a new home than it is to salvage.

The family is going to try to sell the home "as-is". Good luck with that.

Shaun, her brother, is so happy. So this is a kind of happy ending. Shanna seems happy. She's working with an aftercare therapist and living in temporary housing.

Matt Paxton One-Liner Hoard!
"There's fecal matter all over this house. I would not eat a salad that had poop on it"
"This is poop and urine."
"Look at the poop, man. You got a ton of poop in this house."
"She really loves the bucket."
"This is the bucket she poops in when she can't make it inside."
"This is the real deal, man."
"This is the end of you pooping in a bucket."
"This is her bucket, man. Guess I'm 1 decision away from pooping in a bucket right now. I actually need to go to the bathroom, but I can't do it."

Lynda from Montrose, Colorado
THIS IS AN APOCALYPSE HOARDER! What a wonderful night of television.

"I believe we are at the beginning of end times now." Lynda tells us and I believe her because I just saw Shanna moving poop from one bucket to smaller, more managable bucket. I think it may be end times!
This doomsday hoard is not for Lynda. She is looking out for the left-behinders. Thanks?

She is a prepper! But she's prepping for other people's doomsdays. She'll be long gone. It's for her children. I'm sure they will thank her after she dies and they have to clean up that mess. It's a nice thought. I'll give her that.

Lynda believes she is doing the lord's work, which makes this pretty tricky. So does this mean the Hoarder's crew has to be more powerful than God?

Dr. Melva Green aka Dr. Lashes is here and that's about as close to God as you can get here on Earth.
Cory is at her abandoned trailer, alone, with a handheld cam. And he's got it in night vision mode for whatever reason.
Scott's thoughts: Who is in charge over there? Making horrible decisions.

Cory thinks Lynda might be high. Now Cory, we all know who's high tonight. It's Shanna, strung out on poop.

Dr. Green asks what needs to be asked, if the Lord is pleased with the hoard. We'll just let her think about that over the commercial break.

Lynda's daughter in law is telling off the crew. These are the kinds of emails I receive. Angry at the Hoarders crew for trying to help. Doing something they are very clearly incapable of doing. Well yes, please, send all your complaints my way. I will forward those to the "A&E didn't fix my entire life" complaint dept.

The wall of end times is coming down because her son called her "Mom".

They got the place looking nice and spiffy.

Debbie, the angry relative said, "You guys were right and I was wrong." She is giving Dr. Green and Cory props on a job well done. This is nice.

She is working with a therapist and aftercare organizer. She hopes to clear out her abandoned home.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Geeezus H. I had this shit on in the background and wasn't really paying much attention to it as I was in the middle of studying for midterms in an attempt at making something out of myself someday. I managed to pay attention to the last part about the poop bucket and putting the coffee mug in it for the last time, and had to find a recap of what the fuck I missed. What. The. Fuck. I. Missed. HOLY SHIT. GROSS.

Anyway, thanks for the recap. My life is complete. I just have one question. How did she get the poop in the jugs when the mouth of the jug is so very small? All I can picture is how difficult it is for me, to take a reusable water bottle with a small mouth, and put it under my water dispenser on my fridge, and what a pain in the ass it is because I always miss the hole and spill constantly.

Reverend Awesome said...

Dear god. I hadn't even thought of that. How DOES she get the urine and feces into water bottles!?

I have absolute faith you will make something out of yourself. You wanna know why? You think things through to their completion. Good luck on your midterms.

DanicaWP said...

Oh Saint A&E...thank you for this episode! Seriously, I know that this was super extreme, but these are the episodes that motivate me to clean. I don't really care for the ones where people hoard boxes or things that are non-poop covered...but these...these episodes make me feel like my normal house is covered in feces and bugs. It makes me clean like a motherfucker...

Peace be to you Reverend Awesome! You are our fearless leader in Hoarders recaps!

Love, Danica

Sorry if I double posted...blogger is being an ass.

Erin from Boston said...

I thought the same thing on getting the fecal matter into the jugs. it just seems very hard to be exact on that kind of thing. precision and timing seem key in that type of maneuver.

I also thought the same thing on her watching Intervention. "At least i'm not on crystal meth" must have been what was keeping her going. I know it keeps me going. That and the fact that the water jugs in my house are filled with water.

Reverend Awesome said...

A&E owed us this episode, Danica! They truly did. We NEEDED this poop. Paxton needed this poop. With all these slumber parties, he hasn't even had time for zingers. We got buckets, we got poop, we got Jesus. This episode was everything.

Hoarders and Intervention are feel good shows! Feel good about yourself shows.

Do you think Shanna has a fecal matter funnel? I don't feel like she cares too much if she spills a little poop water. That's like walking on sunshine for her.

Kay said...

I just watched the episode. I don't know how I made it out alive. But this blog post is the best thing I've read in a long, long time.

Reverend Awesome said...

Thanks, Kay! Those of us that made it through that episode deserve some sort of Hoarder Medal of Honor. Or at the very least one of Matt Paxton's golden poop Christmas ornaments.

Anonymous said...

Omg. My boyfriend and I saw about THREE minutes of this - and I had to go and see if I could find out WHY this Happened to someone. We saw the part where they were carrying out the urine bottles and noticed some darker bottles then the show breaks to a commercial. As we sit there dumbfounded and wondering whyyyyy anybody might do this the ONLY excuse I could come up with is that perhaps the urine was being saved in case of --- idk jelly fish stings!?? Then the commercial is over and we are back to the part where she states she has been EATING feces for TWELVE years and somewhere in there we hear the mother may have passed on because of this situation. Ummmm WHA!?!!?? Serious!?? And that is where it had to end for us. Yet I still do not know how one decides to consume their own feces!?? Was this discussed in the episode? Cuz I don't have the stomach to watch that episode eVeR gag !!!! Was there a steak that was soooo good she wanted to keep eating it - for twelve years!?? As for getting it into the bottles - I'm guessing once you have digested your food the first time it wouldn't be hard. Because if you are eating your poo wouldn't it start to come out in a much more liquid form!?? Ok That's it. I gotta hurl. To whomever is letting that woman live in their house -- I hope u are hiring a hazmat team to clean your house on a biweekly basis. I don't believe I could do it.

thecrunkbabe said...

omg this episode had me just floored. i've been watching this show since it started (which god, is it on season 4 now???) every so often there is an episode that leaves a real impression, the first one was a lady that had her bathroom full of diapers. she was really old and i think that she was at the start of dementia, but it was STILL shocking to see what ended up being over a tons worth of dirty diapers just piled high in her bathroom (they said it was about 2 years worth). so that left a rather harsh impression, then another one was this lady that i think was named agatha and she was just a mean old lady with several dead cats in her house, SEVERAL! the cleaning team just kept pulling up dead cat corpses, it was so upsetting. THEN one of the all times was this other lady who owned a farm. (I like to call it the farm holocaust) where she had lambs with totally broken legs, THOUSANDS of chickens that were being suffocated to death due to them being in very small cages and their feces piling up so high that it would leave them no room at all to even walk around and GROW, starved horses, ducks in caging that were destroying and crippling their feet, but the worst was seeing the chickens for sure and her hoards of eggs scattered and piled all over the place.
well, this episode just about took me over the edge, and thank you for pointing out this ridiculous idea the producers of the show have come up with with the extreme cleaners STAYING over night in these peoples homes. that really irritated the shit out of me, its bad enough you have to even WALK INTO these peoples homes, much less stay the night?!? christ, yeah exactly, you really don't have to prove anything to us, my god, the show is just trying to liven things up or do something new, what douche bags.
but anyway, your blog entry had me laughing so hard, i'd like to take this time to show you an email i wrote right after i finished this delightful poopography:



THE STORY OF SHANNA IS PERHAPS MORE THAN I CAN BARE, I AM WONDERING HOW I COULD POSSIBLY MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE AFTER SEEING THIS WOMAN SCOOPING POOP AND PEE FROM OUT OF HER POOP AND PEE BUCKET INTO A SMALLER POOP AND PEE BUCKET (BECAUSE THE MAIN POOP AND PEE BUCKET GETS TOO HEAVY FOR HER) THEN DUMPING IT IN THE FRONT YARD. OH YEAH AND THERE ARE LIKE TRILLIONS OF JUGS OF HER DEAD MOMS POOP SCATTERED ALL OVER THE FREAKING HOUSE AND BACKYARD.

OMG KIM YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH POOP THERE IS ITS UTTERLY OVERWHELMING. THE BEST PART WAS AT THE END WHEN THE LADY SAID SHE WANTED TO HAVE A LAST BLOW OUT AND EAT CONTAIMINATED FOOD WITH POOP ON IT SINCE ALL OF THE POOP AND POOP JUGS ALONG WITH THE GRAVE YARD OF JUG POOP IN HER FRONT YARD AND ANDDDDD THE POOP SHE DUMPED IN HER FRONT YARD WITH HER OTHER POOP BUCKET (NOT THE POOP BUCKET SHE ACTUALLY POOPED IN) WAS BEING PROPERLY DELT WITH, THAT SHE FELT THE NEED TO HAVE ONE MORE DAY IN WHICH SHE COULD EAT 2 WEEK OLD FOOD FROM HER HOUSE THAT ALSO HAD POOP ON IT BECAUSE THERE WAS JUST POOP ALL OVER THE PLACE. LIKE THE HIGH VOLUME OF POOP THAT I WAS SEEING MADE ME CRAZY BECAUSE AT LEAST THE WOMAN JUST WAS CRAZY AND LOVED HER SOME POOP BUT I REALLY HAVE TO QUESTION THE CAMERA CREW BC GETTING THOSE SHOTS THE WAY THEY DID MAKES ME THINK THEY ARE JUST AS MESSED UP OR MORE MESSED UP THAN HER. I CAN ONLY HOPE THOSE CAMERAS AND MIC EQUIPMENT ARE WITH THE JUG POOP GRAVE YARD ALONG WITH HER POOP BUCKET AND POOP BUCKET SCOOPER. MAY THEY REST IN PEACE
*****SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT*******
THE HOUSE WAS CONDEMNED, LIKE DUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



anyway just thought i'd share in the poop. thanks for your play by play, it was really funny.

Reverend Awesome said...

HAHAHA! Thanks for sharing the email! I think you said "poop" about as many times as Matt Paxton. And what more can you say, really!? Poop.

I don't know what got her to start eating poop, but all I know is she did NOT want to stop!

Anonymous said...

Hoarders didnt tell you that the soup she made in the toaster oven had chunks of poop in her soup. The producers thought that the general audience wouldn't approve.

Cerebus said...

I waited and waited for iTunes to put this show up and they never did so I had to go get it elsewhere. I work in Bothell, and this is the SECOND vile hoarder they've turned up - the first being the family with the easy chair covered in cat poop. They need to raze this house and salt the ground so nothing ever grows there again.

Anonymous said...

When, unfortunately, our parents pass away, we alll have different ways to hold on to our fondest memories of time spent with them. We may hang pictures in our houses. We may play songs. We might even go to a special place we both shared. All I know is that Shaunna has no pictures, but Maybe a special pitcher. Shaunna does not have any special song. It is more of a sound or sounds.... The sound of a fart or excrement hitting an empty or half filled bucket of poop or the sloshing sound of shit water as she transports it.
The one thing I am sure of is, if they had a special place they spent together, it sure as hell was not in the bathroom!

One last idea... What must it feel like for her to feel the shit water from the bucket splash on to her backside?

I bet it reminds her of her mother as she tucked a young Shaunna, into her shitbed... With her hot shit milk... As she told her a shit lullaby... Where the shit prince takes her to his shit palace and they live happily ever after... In shit.

Reverend Awesome said...

We couldn't handle poop soup! A&E is right! I think. Could we handle poop soup? I guess we'll never find out.

There have been 2 hoarders from Bothell!? Is it a big town? Do you drive by the houses? Does the town know them as the hoarders? So many questions.

That was the most poetic paragraph containing the word "shit" I've ever read.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the recap. I'm a little late in the game as I just got bored the other day and wanted to feel better about myself. Boy oh boy was THIS a treat. As hard as I tried, I could not feel sorry for this woman. Sure, she has mental issues, but who the f doesn't know that poop and pee stink??? Shanna doesn't as she "learned something about fecal excrement if anything else" or something along those creepy lines. Bravo to A&E for their hand selecting one of the nastiest poo connoisseurs known to date. Keep up the good work as this was far scarier than ANY horror show on the planet.
Oh, yes, and I also was trying to wrap my head around how the poop and pee made it into the jugs. It must take a steady hand...

Anonymous said...

This woman has coprophilia, a sexual attraction to feces. That's why she consumes it. Consuming feces is called corprophagia. I can certainly understand why the always epic Matt Paxton and the always awesome Dr Zasio opted not to slap Shanna as being a paraphiliac on international television, but I don't understand why they opted not to say 'corprophagia' out loud.

Also, am I the only one who thinks that 'pee' and 'poop' really should be used but the under twelve set exclusively? I know that saying 'piss', 'crap' and 'shit' are no-no words in a programme such as this, but it that's the case, why the hell can't they say 'urine' and 'feces'?

Anonymous said...

Lynda is from Montrose, Colorado, not California. I personally know her from where she worked.

Reverend Awesome said...

Thanks for the correction! Post updated. And...you know Lynda?!

Anonymous said...

I used to think I had a normal life and now I can fully document where the split happened. N.A.S.T.Y.

Anonymous said...

Between this episode, and the episode that had the crazy old woman who hoards God knows how many sufering farm animals (which, BTW, also featured that wackjob asshole with those tons of rabbits), AND the episode where this woman's bathroom was just overflowing with used Depends, I honestly couldn't tell ya which one was the most disgusting one of them all. And you can bet your uncle's racetrack winnings that this show's next season will make the previous ones look as tame as can be.

Anonymous said...

in the middle of a shit-o-cane instead of hurricane. saw the rerun. they should have put something in the description like "dont watch this for any reason"....now, even though my house is small, i feel like i live in a very clean palace.

Maddie Broughton said...

I cant believe people like this exist and I thought Britain was bad lol

mary.k.dba said...

I know I'm late to the (poop) party, but I just had to comment here. I just saw this episode on Hulu last night and it was by far the worst thing I've ever seen. I was feeling guilty because one of my cats barfed on the porch and I waited like an hour to clean it up. But after seeing that I feel sooooo much better about my cleaning habits. Thanks for the entertaining recap!

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