|My ode to Matt Paxton|
In case you didn't know Ruth the Hoarder is on facebook. You remember, Ruth.
And obviously if you have a problem with how you were depicted in an episode of Hoarders you should contact me because THAT IS MY FAULT!
Shanna from Bothell, Washington
She's in head to toe beige. She blends in with the hoard.
Will is Shanna's brother-in-law. Strange that we are being introduced to him first.
Shanna's brother and sister have now arrived on the introduction scene. The city is threatening to take Shanna's house. They have 7 days. Hurry!
Shanna comes from a long line of hoarders. I don't actually know how long the line is, she's a second generation hoarder. It's the family tradition!
Shanna's brother and sister cite the hoard as a possible cause of the death of their mother.
I just saw Shanna cleaning up either puke or poop. So, maybe things aren't so bad. She's cleaning!
"My mother used to put poop in a jug." Shanna just reminicsing about her mother. She claims that after you put poop in a jug it's called a "dirty water jug". Is that better or worse than just calling a poop jug a "poop jug"?
Her brother in law hopes that her poop jars are not sentimental to her. Well, hope in one hand and hold a jug of poop in another. See which gets filled first.
"When the bucket is full of pee and poop it's really hard to lift it." And so SHE PUTS IT INTO A SMALLER BUCKET. Dear god. This is happening on A&E right now. This is really happening on television. THIS IS AMERICA!
None of the neighbors have said anything to Shanna about dumping her poop buckets so she's taking that as the green light for throwing poop in the yard.
Matt Paxton is going to spend the night at Shanna's for god knows what reason. A&E just has decided this needs to happen to Paxton and Chamlers. It doesn't! I'm good. They don't need to prove anything to me.
Way to not take the final decision, Matt. I knew you wouldn't do it. Matt Paxton would never shit in a bucket. I never doubted you.
"She really loves the bucket. " This is Matt's hoard. His entire career in clean-up and zingers has been leading to this.
Matt asks her the main cause of the smell is in the house. I'll have you know that it's nothing but "musty odor". Matt calmly explains, "It's the feces and the urine that's in the house. A musty odor of feces and urine." A groundbreaking moment? She had no idea. "You have to tell me this!" He did. Matt Paxton just taught a woman that poop and pee stink.
"I learned a lesson about fecal matter today if nothing else." Shanna delivering, perhaps, the best line that's ever been said on Hoarders. They are trying to win us back! Thanks, A&E! This is EXACTLY what we've been missing!!! And now Matt says there are bloody tampons. This is it!
And here are some pictures. I'm sorry.
Zasio is on the scene. They are bringing it. This is better than the season premier, by far. Paxton tells Zasio having her there is crucial. They make such a great team.
"Jesus is Love" Jesus is making quite a few appearances tonight.
Shanna would never eat moldy bread! Gah. She's going to pick the mold off. Don't be ridiculous!
"This is the first time in hoarder history I've ever suited up." Ms. Robin Zasio.
This is the grossest hoard in the history of hoard.
There are 100 galloons of urine and poop in each trash can. There are SO MANY trash cans.
"It's all contaminated. It's all got shit and piss on it." Shanna's brother Shawn dropping some realness.
Shanna is claming "Some things can be saved. That's what an extreme, cleaning specialist told me. Are you going to argue with him, then?" This is not a true statement. Matt Paxton would never say that.
Scott's thoughts: I don't know if this woman should get a make-over.
Matt begs us all to check on their family. CHECK ON YOUR FAMILY!
"How is eating contaminated food a party?" (Dr. Z)
"Why the fuck does it matter? I've been eating poop for 12 years."
And there you have it. What do you say to that? When it's time to party Shanna partys hard. For those of you that think Hoarders are just lazy...that's not really a common symptom of laziness.
"I want to get high one last time."
"You're getting a high out of thinking you've got fecal matter in your food." (Dr. Z)
"It's my last blaze of glory."
Matt is making her tell him where she's going to go to the bathroom. She's claiming toilet. I'm doubting toilet.
Zasio is breaking it to the family that she can't live alone, which she shouldn't have had to break to them. Now she's breaking it to Shanna. Nola agreed to let Shanna live with her.
The house has to be stripped to the studs. Nothing is salvagable. It's cheaper to bulldoze and build a new home than it is to salvage.
The family is going to try to sell the home "as-is". Good luck with that.
Shaun, her brother, is so happy. So this is a kind of happy ending. Shanna seems happy. She's working with an aftercare therapist and living in temporary housing.
Matt Paxton One-Liner Hoard!
"There's fecal matter all over this house. I would not eat a salad that had poop on it"
"This is poop and urine."
"Look at the poop, man. You got a ton of poop in this house."
"She really loves the bucket."
"This is the bucket she poops in when she can't make it inside."
"This is the real deal, man."
"This is the end of you pooping in a bucket."
"This is her bucket, man. Guess I'm 1 decision away from pooping in a bucket right now. I actually need to go to the bathroom, but I can't do it."
Lynda from Montrose, Colorado
THIS IS AN APOCALYPSE HOARDER! What a wonderful night of television.
"I believe we are at the beginning of end times now." Lynda tells us and I believe her because I just saw Shanna moving poop from one bucket to smaller, more managable bucket. I think it may be end times!
She is a prepper! But she's prepping for other people's doomsdays. She'll be long gone. It's for her children. I'm sure they will thank her after she dies and they have to clean up that mess. It's a nice thought. I'll give her that.
Lynda believes she is doing the lord's work, which makes this pretty tricky. So does this mean the Hoarder's crew has to be more powerful than God?
Dr. Melva Green aka Dr. Lashes is here and that's about as close to God as you can get here on Earth.
Scott's thoughts: Who is in charge over there? Making horrible decisions.
Cory thinks Lynda might be high. Now Cory, we all know who's high tonight. It's Shanna, strung out on poop.
Dr. Green asks what needs to be asked, if the Lord is pleased with the hoard. We'll just let her think about that over the commercial break.
Lynda's daughter in law is telling off the crew. These are the kinds of emails I receive. Angry at the Hoarders crew for trying to help. Doing something they are very clearly incapable of doing. Well yes, please, send all your complaints my way. I will forward those to the "A&E didn't fix my entire life" complaint dept.
The wall of end times is coming down because her son called her "Mom".
They got the place looking nice and spiffy.
Debbie, the angry relative said, "You guys were right and I was wrong." She is giving Dr. Green and Cory props on a job well done. This is nice.
She is working with a therapist and aftercare organizer. She hopes to clear out her abandoned home.