Monday, September 10, 2012

Hoarders: Season Premiere with Debra and Patty

Summer blogging break is over. Hoarders has started back up so it's as good of time as any to get back to this whole blog thing. Matt has threatened to violate his facebook friends collective asses if they don't watch tonight. I didn't know if this season would ever start! It's started!

I think I've forgotten how gross things are about to get. As Matt just said, let's do this. 

Debra lives in Illinois as a medical lab technician. She wears wigs and she has 5 children, 4 boys and a girl. She's worked 3rd shift for 21 years so please excuse the hoard. She's married to Raymond. 

The HSN strikes again! Deb's a fan. As Matt has told us they are evil.

"For security reasons I want to stay married." Debra. That Raymond is one lucky, lucky man. 

DR. MELVA GREEN! Listen. She's the best person ever. I beg of you to follow her on facebook. She's made of goodness. I love everything about her. Your life isn't as good as it could be if you're not a facebook fan.

"Don't settle down!" Dr. Green tells Debra. Dr. Green somehow, just by being in your presence, gets everyone to bare their soul.

Raymond says there's no room for two people in the bed. "Not two people that don't like each other." says Dr. Lashes Green cuz she's the Dalia freaking Lama. 

Dr. Green and Dorothy Breninger together! They are going to turn this mother out, for sure.

"If I go somewhere all I need is a little tiny chair." This is hoarder logic that you can't really argue with. I mean, I don't have a tiny chair. What will I do when I need one? Next tiny chair I get my hands on I won't be letting go. Maybe I'll poop on it to mark my territory.

There's a sadness memorial carved into the chair by Debra's children. It says, "Mom's Favorites=Derek, Tyler and T." She does not do bad things to them. She hates Phil and Todd.
Turns out that Debra never really liked boys and she has 4 kids. She says this as if it is a reasonable thing to say. Her son hears her say it. Debra is an asshole. She's a wig wearing asshole!

Dr. Green is not putting up with Debra's shit! Did anyone think she would? Not me. I know Melva better than that. She is calling a time out on Debra and making her look at her son cry. Thanks to Dr. Green, Debra apologized to and hugged her son.

Dorothy has removed 20,000 pieces of clothing for Debra to sort. "This is going to take forever." says Dr. Green. 

They need Raymond to help sort. Debra won't let him because he doesn't know what's important to her. "100% of everything is important to you." Dr. Green, of course, saves the day. She gets Debra to allow Raymond and their sons to help. Where is this beloved non-boy daughter of hers? I guess she's exempt from clean-up.

I like these home makeovers! I finally watched Hoarders: Buried Alive while Hoarders was on break. As predicted I felt like I was cheating on my dear Hoarders. I did find out that Hoarders is way better than Buried Alive. I think that's where A&E got this makeover idea though. Buried Alive got their entire show idea from Hoarders so they can't complain.

Debra is reminding us all that she's not a nice person. She hates the makeover. She thinks it's horrible. Well, Debra is horrible. This makeover is amazing! She's lashing out at Dorothy. Dr. Green gets her to admit that she's chronically disappointed.  Now she's upset about hating surprises. 

Dr. Green tells me that I shouldn't think of Debra as a jerk. This is the illness. Okay. I'll try...but she still seems like SUCH a jerk.

Debra is working with an aftercare organizer and her first priority was to repaint and redecorate because she's a jerk...with an illness. 

Patty lives in North Dakota and she's starting things off by confessing her sins like the bible tells you to do if A&E shows up with a camera crew.

Chris and Sean are Patty's sons. They no longer live in the hoard. Patty is now living with Sean. Sean's husband Cody had to move out because Cody couldn't take the hoard and all that the hoard brought to their relationship.

Her husband liked to drink and screw around.

"What's in the toilet?" Sean asks. What's always in the toilet!? Old poop. Duh. Dumb question. Hasn't Sean seen Hoarders?

And here's Matt Paxton. They are bringing out the big guns for the opener. And MATT IS SLEEPING IN THE HOARD. I hope A&E pays him well. This is some Ghost Adventurers shit. Maybe next time Matt can bring in a UFC fighter and they can talk smack to the hoard. I can't say I understand why this needs to happen. Why does Matt have to sleep next to poop? What is this proving?! Did we really need to up the gross ante? This is Hoarders. The grossness is already legendary.

And now Robin Zasio! Star studded premier.

Patty has her mask on and she's standing in the hoard dealing with repressed emotions. Are those low grade masks up to OSHA standards?

I really like Zasio's outfit. She's in all black like a bad ass biker babe.

Now that Patty is getting her house clean, Zasio wants the family to confront the Cody issue.

Chris doesn't want Cody (Sean's estranged husband) around. He said he'll put a fist in his face. Patty doesn't want Cody around. WHAT DID CODY DO!? I mean, living with your hoarder mother-in-law can't be easy.

Cody is there and he's helping clean up the hoard. This will get him back in the family's good graces. I hope. 

Zasio has Patty therapeutically crushing beer steins in the dumpster.

The house is clean and Patty is grateful! This is the good time reaction we all needed. 

Patty is feeling like Patty and all is well. She's seeing an aftercare therapist and she's reducing her isolation. She will be able to move back into her home soon. Paxton and Zasio gave her her life back. Could they have given Patty her life back without Matt sleeping next to poop? I think they could!

Matt would like you all to listen to his podcast 5 decisions away. Do it HERE.


Jer said...

I think that Patty's older son is a hoarder too. Except he hoards food in his body. Holy crap man, take a walk, eat a vegetable, take the pizza joints out of your cell phone and speed dial. And the shirt he was wearing "I'm not fat... I'm fluffy." Oh bull, you're freaking fat dude.

Reverend Awesome said...

HAHAHA! Perhaps America's obesity epidemic is actually just a hoarding of food in the body problem.

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