Monday, March 12, 2012

Hoarders Season Finale sans Paxton: Jeri Jo & Constance

It's the end of another season of Hoarders. We won't have any Paxton, but we do get the lovely Dr. Melva Green. Affectionately known as Dr. Lashes amongst the Posse.

Constance—Freestone County, Texas
Constance wears crocs. People say she's a red neck (she's black) and they say she's a hoarder. To that she says, "You're damn right." You got something free for her? She's taking it and keeping it.

Constance lives with chickens and all the other typical hoarder shit. None of them are dead, so she has that going for her.

"I'm still alive I'm not dead yet. If you want me  dig a hole and I guess I'll jump in it."

15 chickens, several rooster and 25 guineas.  She feeds them french fries. She also believes 3 of them think they're human.

There are eggs all over the house. People are buying these? I hope zero people are buying eggs from her.

Constance says childhood trauma turned her hoarder. She hides food in her chicken houses. She thinks everyone is after her food. Her chickens are probably after her food.
Constance hit her sister in the head with a pan. Then her sister grabbed the pan and hit her back.

Lucky for her daughter, her mother doesn't raise her most of her life. Unlucky for her daughter, Constance is her mother and didn't raise her for most of her life.
"People ain't gonna give you shit." These chickens give Constance all the love she has ever needed.

Dr. Green's keen hoarding eye has spotted egged all over the trailer.

"Do some of the eggs go bad up in here?" Ya'll gonna make my eggs go bad, up in here, up in here.

Constance is just turning off the lights, scaring the crap out of Dr. Green, deciding it's time for bed.

Standolyn Robinson, certified professional organizer, first appearing on the finale. That's a lot of pressure.

I should have started taking an "egg" tally.

"I need to puke. I need to get out." Constances sister after seeing the eggs. And she follows through. She does indeed vomit.
A commercial for Duck Dynasty. That doesn't seem appropriate, A&E.

"I gotta keep these boxes for the name on my TV." S. Robinson is not having it. Now she's explaining to her that eggs can't hatch sitting on the edge of a table. She's smart. Really smart.

Hoarders are like really crappy Doomsday Preppers. Side note, doomsday preppers all have the same fear. That fear is 'the shit hitting the fan'.

Dr. Green brilliantly figures out that Constance just wants to die. Now she has Constance crying. Dr. Lashes does this! Seriously, she just figures things out magically and causes breakthroughs.

I like how Dr. Green calls her "Miss Connie". It has softened Constance a bit. Never question anything Dr. Green does, ever. She has got this.

Listen, it's either a giant pile of clothes or she's going butt naked. You know what? Leave her the pile. We don't need naked Constance.

Dr. Green is crying and praising Constance's daughter, Angela. This is what needed to happen and of course Dr. Green made it happen. She's made of magic.

Now, after that magical moment, Miss Connie realizes that her home isn't livable. Holy crapoly! They have another home for her! This is finale level shit. The home was brought to you by Startex Manufactured Homes. Major props to them for this. He got a group hug.

In a couple hours a person can just have a new home. Keep the eggs and chickens out of the house, Miss Connie! Please.

The sides of the bathtub are carpeted. That's something...

Constance's daughter is now going to sleep like a baby at night knowing her mom is okay. Constance doesn't want to die anymore and now she thinks people are beautiful. That's what meeting Dr. Green and our new friend Standolyn will do for you.

Jeri Jo—Walnut, California
Jeri is an executive assistant. She's also an avid lover of garage/yard/rummage sales. She goes twice a week and enjoys collecting things.
3 Way Thrift Store! That's a pretty risque name.

20 years ago the hoarding started after some bad decisions. She married a convict that she met through a biker magazine. She had to keep it a secret for a long time, because duh, she married a convict from a biker magazine. They've been married over 20 years. She was looking for a stable relationship with a man that wouldn't cheat on her. So, that was Jeri's decision. Has he been in jail the whole time? Did they let him out to get married in the VFW or wherever those photos were taken?

Oh and guess what her husband did? He killed someone. He's in prison for life. "He was involved in a fight, young man lost his life." He's been in jail since he was 19 and he's now 54. So how the hell did they have a ceremony? This guy probably has wives all over sending him hoard, money and cigarettes. I think I know a thing or two about how prisoners operate. (I don't, but that sounds about right.)

Dr. Michael Tompkins is here to point out that Jeri has created her own prison of hoard.

Chalmers is here! He will deal with whatever Dr. Tompkins stoically doesn't deal with.

Why is her husband's face being blurred out? So all his other wives don't see his wife? His cigs and cash supply would end.

Somehow everyone is really excited about finding a crappy digital camera. Maybe it contains pin-up photos of her she had taken for her husband's prison cell.

Uh oh. They found Jeri's noose. She has a noose tied to her rafters, at the ready. It has everyone rightfully freaked out, everyone but Jeri. She thinks that is 100% acceptable and normal behavior. It's as rational as marrying a man with a life sentence for murder. It's a funny joke. HAHA. It's a noose for a teddy bear. Oh that, Jeri Jo. She's hilarious!

They have really been going all out with the clean-up lately. With painting and remodeling and all that jazz. Kicking it up a HG TV notch.

Cory and his team have performed a miracle. Cory is like Jesus. Kind of. Jeri has had an awakening moment.

She's working with an aftercare therapist and her husband will be up for parole soon and maybe they will get a chance to have that dragon portrait updated. Or maybe her therapist will be able to talk some sense into her. Guess we'll have to hope for an update.

Happy off-season, everybody! Thanks for reading!


Anonymous said...

Your summary made me giggle! I used to work with Connie Sue back in the late 1990's and was shocked to see her on tv tonight. So sad.

Nick said...

Long time lurker, first time poster. Gonna miss your recaps as much as the show itself.

Standolyn has actually been on the show since Season 2. She just doesn't seem to appear as much as Matt, Dorothy, Cory, and Geralin.

Reverend Awesome said...

Thanks for delurking and leaving such a nice comment!

I feel like I've made the Standolyn mistake before. I was probably just trying to get out of spelling her name. Now I will never forget our Standlyn!

If you aren't a fan...or liker or whatever of Dr. Green on Facebook you should do so now. Her first love found her in the hoard! (saw her on Hoarders)

Random Visitor said...

OH MY GOODNESS REV. AWESOME, new Hoarders at last! It looks like you haven't posted much lately, but I hope you're well and that you'll be watching A&E tonight.

Reverend Awesome said...

I was watching! And recapping! And jumping back into blogging after a hiatus. Thanks for the comment!

Anonymous said...

As Tolstoy wrote: "Hoarder families are all alike, non-hoarder families..." well something like that...

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