Monday, November 28, 2011

Hoarders: Mike/Michelle & Bonnie

Matt Paxton has been talking this episode up for weeks! We've all seen the preview, Paxton and crew, piles of diapers and exiting the house in a panic. We just ordered a pizza, which may have been a mistake. We'll see how strong my stomach is, we're midway into the season, I should be able to deal?

Mike–Westminster, MD
Okay, this is Michelle actually. Do other Michelle's go by Mike?

She has 7 cats, seems semi-reasonable right? Nope. There's piles of cat shit everywhere.

Judy, her sister, is going along with this whole "Mike" thing. Mike does seem really nice. She looks like she'd be mean, but she's nice. I bet hoarding ages you. If you listened to Paxton's podcast you would learn there's a way to keep from aging, go to prison! It preserves you.
Mike has a bladder control problem so she just started leaving her dirty diapers in the bathroom.

Her nephew is a firefighter, he's smelled a dead body and it wasn't as terrible as Mike's diaper den.

The fumes from her house were so toxic that her kidneys started failing her. She spent a week in the hospital and 19 days in rehab. So she's been pissing up her sister's place because she couldn't go back to her house. Her sister is done having her as a guest.

She's got a George Foreman grill covered in crap. I admit, those things are kinda hard to clean. The commercial says they are easy but they are not. (I don't have poop on mine.)

Her and her sister Joanie were two peas in a pod. I'm sure they packed a lot of stuff in that pod.

4 years ago Joanie died of an embolism. I think that's when the poopy diapers came into the picture.

"Something in her soul is not right." Mike's nephew Russell in regards to Mike.

Dr. Green, a new Dr! She immediately discovers the floor is made of feces. She puts on a protective suit and makes her way to the diaper collecting room. Where's her protective suit? She's covering her face with a mask. I guess I was expecting her to come in wearing a radiation suit. She asks Mike if something died? She's giving her the benefit of the doubt there. Did something die or am I really staring at a mountain of poopy diapers? Dr. Green retired from modeling and is currently working with hoarders. (That is not true as far as I know, but she looks like a model.)

2 dead cats found, covered in fleas and maggots. A second cat was found behind the diapers. Gracie was her favorite cat, the one the died in her diapers. AND NOW SHE'S PETTING IT! NO!
(I'm done eating, BTW. I'm fine. Don't worry about me.)

Matt has been taken to the diaper room. EVACUATION! The house is shaking. But why? Oh, A&E, we don't need mid-episode cliff hangers.

The news says it's an earthquake, Paxton thinks the house is cursed. He saw his death before his eyes, drowning in a sea of Mike's diapers.

Another gruesome discovery. Another dead cat, Zach. He's been gone for 4 years. And another dead cat is discovered. Paxton demands to know, "Which one is that?"

They've made their way to Joanie's room. This isn't going to be pretty. She's going to lose it. She's faking a foot injury. She has something tied under her

"BEEP!" "BEEP!" "BEEP! BULL BEEP!"-Her nephew Russell

Judy finally confronts Mike about the hoarding. She's yelling, Mike's yelling. It's a moment, Dr. Green is soaking the moment in.

The house is just too disgusting to live in. Mike admits she needs to get help. She's still living with her sister Judy and they are both still working on cleaning her house.

Matt Paxton One-Liner Hoard
"There's poop everywhere you look. It's awful. And then throw a billion fleas on top of it."
"I don't want a flea landing on me that's been living in somebody's poop for five years."
"I can see why you ignored this. Disgusting." (re: diaper mountain)
"I'm going to bring 'em all in and say 'We're gonna clean up the rest of this poop. Everyone is gonna do it.'"
"Between cat and human poop, we took out 8,000 lbs. That's a lot of poop." 

Bonnie–Palmdale, CA
She's a single mother of teens. She will be blaming them for the hoard. Mark my words. Teens are known problem causers, but they didn't do all that.

Bonnie has a waterbed, so there's that. The teens and Bonnie are all just hanging out on the ol' water bed, texting.

Bonnie swings at her daughter Paige sometimes, but she doesn't intend to hit her. So, another thing no one needs to worry about. Paige feels she is the mother of the household. (Pan to shot of Bonnie laying on the couch texting.)

They haven't had heat in their house for 8 years because things are broken but they're too embarrassed to let anyone in to fix it.

Bonnie hasn't been in her daughters' room in 3 years. That's every teen's dream come true, minus the hoarding.

Another shocking discovery! But, we're in Bonnie's house? It's not a dead cat. Oh, it's black mold. Now it's being called a wild card. Dr. Tompkins is going to make an anonymous call to CPS to see what to do.

Oh look, an uncashed check for $900. Why is this so common with hoarders?! And loads of unused gift certificates.

The carpet was removed, the outlook is good, the mold was mostly in the carpet. More good news, CPS says that the hoard is not a reportable event. They still have way too much stuff though.

Bonnie is currently working with a therapist and will get the help of an organizer soon. The teens have their very own rooms and are thrilled.

More successful than last week, but also a lot more poop.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

usually around 5 I lay down and then I POOP POOP POOP on the Floor!

Kasey Baker-VerMulm said...

HAHA! That is perfect!

Random Visitor said...

I hate cleaning my Foreman Grill. Apparently the newer ones are easier to clean, but not mine!

So many dead cats in that one house. I feel bad for Gracie, the one that died behind the pile of dirty diapers. And then I think it was Zach that some other cat had shit on after he died. D: I guess at least the survivors are out of the poo-caked, flea-infested house and on their way to better homes.

Russel's torrent of profanity after cleaning up the dead sister's room was kind of amazing. Honestly, that's the kind of response I would have to that sort of situation. No coherence whatsoever, just rage and F-bombs.

Oh, I actually have an aunt called Mike. I can't remember what her real name is though.

Gary's third pottery blog said...

NOPE, cannot read this shit....*barf*

Kasey Baker-VerMulm said...

I guess I don't really know all that many Michelle's. I may only know one, maybe Mike is a common nickname.

I never really feel like I've adequately cleaned our George Foreman grill. Because it's impossible! I try, but it's impossible.

Erin from Boston said...

I don't have a George Foreman but it's pretty hard to clean in the crevices of my quesadilla maker. Damn cheese goes everywhere. Someday when I'm a hoarder and only agree to clean up with the assistance of Paxton and Zasio you'll all get to see my scummy layers of cheese. Possibly mixed with some dog hair.

Most Paxtonlicious line ever: "the last place i want to die is under all your diapers"

Also one little shot of awesome i noticed in Bonnie's house, in the background in a couple of shots was a Hairspray poster and all you could see peeking out was John Travolta as Edna Turnblad. You can't stop the beat!

Leslie said...

We were flipping through channels last night and saw Hoarders was on.. it was a Black hoarder that I saw. It delighted me as usual. He had a lot of crap! I thought of you immediately.

Kasey Baker-VerMulm said...

@Erin The problem with the Foreman grill and I imagine your quesadilla maker is that the grill part needs to be removable. You could soak if necessary, run it under hot water. It would solve the cleaning nightmare.

John Travolta is watching over the hoard. Some people have Jesus, they have Edna.

@Leslie I am touched! I cherish our black hoarder discussion.

Anonymous said...

Awesome recap as always. I almost look forward to reading your blog more than actually watching the show.

Kasey Baker-VerMulm said...

Anonymous, that's the nicest thing ever. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

FYI, new hashtag from Paxton himself: #paxtonisanahole.

Kasey Baker-VerMulm said...

Matt Paxton is addicted to being great.

k.a. barnes said...

oh noes oh noes oh noes

Thank you for watching this so I don't have to.

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