Monday, October 24, 2011

Hoarders: Kevin and Mary

It's been a long time since I've recapped...and rock and rolled. So pardon me while I get back into the swing of things.

Kevin, upper east side of Manhattan. He's got a trust fund. He's just like the kids on Gossip Girl!
Who were his famous parents? No one you've probably heard of, but they sound pretty important despite the lack of name recognition, Tex McCrary (inventor of the talk show) and Jinx Falkenburg (woman with the best name ever, model and co-inventor of the talk show).

Kev grew up wiht maids and housekeepers. Now he lives on the street. Not because he's homeless. He has an apartment, but it's totally hoarded out. The easiet way to get in is through the fire escape. Then once he's inside he has to walk through tunnels of hoard.

Jeff Webber is the apartment manager and I just don't see how he's allowing this to go on in his building. We can't even have our satellite at a visible height and this guy can hoard out an entire apartment WITH the manager's knowledge. Is it because he has a trust fund so you always get rent? I don't get it.

"I like cutting my hair with good, natural light. My preference is a good sideview mirror." Kevin describing his styling choices. He knows the viewers are interested in getting his look. It's as simple as that, folks.

"There's some haters out there." Listen, enough with these allegations of haters being bandied about. People have good reason to hate the hoard.

He's a freegan. Does that make him feel better about choosing to live the hobo lifestyle? Calling himself a freegan?

"One has to take the things that will melt off of hot engines." Good advice from Kevin.

"As I walked up to his bench." Dr. Chabaud is acting sort of blasé about the whole bench thing. Dorothy Breininger is not gonna put up with this! She is just not. She can't even get in the apartment. There isn't a pathway, there's a tunnel. This is the most dense hoard she's ever seen. "This is a mean hoard."

Kevin considers himself a professional mover so he's telling Dorothy how to run the show. You better back the hell off, Kev. Now he's swearing at the crew. How can they continue to help someone that is screaming at them? I know they're getting paid, but it takes more than money to deal with this kinda stuff.

And now, after all of this, Jeff Webber has decided to evict Kevin.

Okay, turns out Kevin wasn't actually evicted. That was all a big show by Jeff Webber about being upset about the feces in the kitchen. Kevin is in outpatient therapy. He's using aftercare funds to cleanout his apartment.

Mary—New Brunswick, NJ
She was once in the military and now she just loves to collect everything Victorian. Mostly authentic!

Lee is Mary's son. He is well aware of her Victorian addiction. Heath, her other son, says that he could sell his mom rocks if he called them antiques. Not that he would, but he could if he wanted to.

Adrienne, Mary's daughter that lets Mary live with her. Arriana is rightfully pissed that her Grandmother has to live with them because she can't clean her house. And how does her husband feel? I imagine he is none too pleased.

Zasio is on the Mary case. She's gonna try to take her Victorian Era away! NOOO! Oh, look at that prim and proper Miss Mary fanning herself with a lace fan. You are truly a lady of elegance and grace, Mary. Get rid of the hoard and let your fancy flag fly! You can do it.

Cory Chalmers is on the Mary case. He's freshly shaven and ready to go!

Mary is having trouble getting rid of her old friend, the urine soaked doily.

Lee, the bearded son, is getting mad at "host boy" aka Chalmers. Chalmers isn't scared of him! He will not be intimidated. Lee just wants to take all the piss items out of the trash and go sell them at a garage sale. That would probably be one of those garage sales where you walk up and then immediately walk uncomfortably back to your car.

She has $150,000 in damage to the house. They didn't realize that until they got to the bottom of the hoard. Chalmers has to concede that Lee was right, the house needs to be bulldozed.

Oh! I guess now Mary and her son Lee are living together. Imagine the garage sales! She's trying to figure out her future and thinks she'll clean her house enough to sell it.


miss.e.motional said...

Love it. I laughed out loud at your recap several times. YOU STILL GOT IT!!!

Also, by "tunnels" you mean "birth canals". OH I just CAN'T with that phrase. Even when used in the proper context, but definitely when concerning tunnels of hoard.

Gary's third pottery blog said...

Oh LORD, I am gonna tote some more junk down to the dump and Salvation Army.....

Erin from Boston said...

oh how i missed the hoarders recap!!!!! thank you thank you thank you!

Dorothy Breininger said...

Dear Reverand Awesome,
Thanks so much for re-capping our Hoarders show from last night. Getting the word out about the disease of hoarding and I appreciate your taking the time to create and share! Big hugs to you and again many thanks.
Expert, A&E Hoarders show

Kasey Baker-VerMulm said...

Dorothy! Oh my gosh. I don't know how you could even deal with that birth canal hoard! I don't know how you guys do it. You are helping someone while getting berated by the person you're helping. I know I couldn't do that.

Anonymous said...

Nitpicky correction: it's Cory Chalmers, not Chamlers. As in "Super Nintendo" Chalmers from Springfield Elementary :)

Kasey Baker-VerMulm said...

Dang! I always do that with Chalmers! Sometimes I put a "b" in there too. Just for kicks. Thanks.

miss.e.motional said...

OMG Dorothy commented, you are so famous Kase!!!!

Random Visitor said...

Kevin reminded me of Andrew, the handyman who kept getting into arguments with his brother about their dad's will. They both had this sense of utter denial regarding their horrible living conditions and the consequences of their actions. And they're both from New York. Oh my. The only difference is that Andrew had a homeless guy living in his front yard, and Kevin...actually lives like a homeless guy. Huh.

Oh, did you see that Zasio is on another cable show now? She's on "My Extreme Animal Phobia" on Animal Planet, trying to convince huge tattooed guys not to be afraid of puppies. I don't know if this is going to have any effect on future Hoarders appearances, but I sure hope not.

I've really missed your recaps (and new episodes of Hoarders)!

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