Monday, August 1, 2011

Hoarders: Megan, Beverly and Me

We all made it to another Monday! Here we go...
Beverly Towanda, Kansas
She's Beverly and she's a home health care worker and lover of outdated electronics. She has tapes, a lot of tapes. "There's always more than one channel that has something on and I try to tape them all. I guess I'm afraid of missing something. I don't know." I know how she feels. There is so much on TV I want to watch. My friend Melissa was just saying the same thing. We have DVR hoard. I will eventually watch all of this stuff, right? I doubt it. I just need it to be there as my security blanket.

She has quite a collection. I'm kinda jealous. One of her kids should put the good stuff on DVDs for her. Oh my god. I'm seeing myself in Beverly...

Her daughter Vickie just doesn't understand the taping. I understand this. For once I get it.

Oh wait, nevermind getting it. There are mice and feces all over her house. I just love TV a lot and think it would be awesome to have a collection of all things that have ever been on TV. Not like that though, not at the expense of living mouse poop free.

She realizes that she can never watch all of these tapes it's just something she wants to "keep going with."
Even though every room appears to be a storage room for her tapes, she says she has deemed a certain room a storage room for her tapes. That's interesting. Very interesting.

My Mom's uncle/middle name sake kept written records of the weather every day. Every single day. He told my mom she was going to inherit these books. As far as I know she never received them. She seems pretty okay with that.

Oh look! Maggots in her vitamins and she doesn't want to throw them away. Yeah, they're still good. Most people don't get enough maggots in their diet, gotta supplement it.

Vickie doesn't really fit in with her family. You can tell just by looking at her.

Beverly used to have patients in her house? She restrained nursing patients?! What? Okay, I get that it was probably the pee that made them take the patients away, but the restraining may have had something to do with it as well.

Poor Vicki. She's so nice and normal. The daughter with zero teeth hates Vicki. Maybe for having teeth? She claims trying to help her mom is her hobby. I'm guessing she'd rather be cross stitching or something.

YES! The granddaughter is telling her they can put it all on the computer. Karissa is totally turning all of this around for her! This is fantastic. She deserves the entire country's praise for this. Well, her and Matt Paxton. THEY are a dream team. As Matt said, she's learned who she can work with, her Grandkids. She's learned who she can't work with, her kids.

MATT PAXTON!! I'll hoard his one liners here:
"That act of can't throw that away."
"Oh God! What is that smell? That just reeks! That's gotta go!"
"I about threw up when I smelled those vitamins. It was a graphic smell."
"Basically vitamins filled with maggots and she's convinced they are good."
"You have mouse poop all over everything. Cat urine all over everything."
"Are you telling me this is more safe than a car wreck? That's a bit of a stretch, guys."
"When you walk through the house you're like, 'Ah, this place looks like crap.'"

She continues to record...

Megan, Illinois 
She has 3 kids. One of them is 8 days old. He's only 8 days old and he's already a star!

Her hoarding was triggered when her Mom died. She was 12 at the time.

Mark Feffllerhaskhf is Megan's hoarding expert. He's pretty cool, but not Matt Paxton level cool. No one can be! So he doesn't even need to worry about not being up to that level. It's unattainable, but something to strive towards.

Megan is getting a rundown of why her home is unfit for children. There's mouse shit everywhere, for one thing. I mean, absolutely everywhere. There's milk splatter from a fight above the fridge. There are fly strips covered in dead flies. "We get flies real bad in the summer." That was about a year ago so the dead flies have been on display for a year. It's contemparary art.

She's making fun of her husband for crying. I would never stop crying if I were him so she needs to check herself.

It took 3 women $300 to do all of her laundry at a laundromat. Oh because Megan has been buying new clothes instead of washing the clothes she had. I know one thing I am not guilty of doing, hoarding clothes. I hate shopping for clothes. I hate buying clothes and I hate trying to pick out normal clothes. I'm sooo bad at it. I want Garanimals for adults. I think that would be amazing. I wouldn't have to worry about matching up outfits, I could just match animals! That would solve loads of my problems.

Megan's house is clean and she's way happy! And she's crying. HAHAHAHA! What an idiot, crying jeez! Just kidding, but her husband has the right to make fun of her since she made fun of him for crying.

Fefferenan feels like all will be well with this family. Her kids are so happy they are jumping from bed to bed. Cuteness.


Gary's third pottery blog said...

I swear this is true: it has been speculated that because humans DID EAT maggots (long before you could go out for a taco or a pizza slice) yes, people ate maggots and other such things, that rice was seen as a good substitute. At least rice does not squirm and smell.

Gary's third pottery blog said...
bleh! but maybe the lady is right: vitamins plus protein and stink!

Erin from Boston said...

I really wish they had asked Beverly what her favorite tv show of all time was. What's the point of having all those shows on tape if they don't at least give us that satisfaction? What did she record? Maury? Oprah? Silver Spoons? Kate Plus 8? I need to know!

Megan was one of those lazy hoarders who make me mad. It's one thing to hoard clothes but when you can't put a Gladware container of pudding in the refrigerator that's called being lazy. When you can't remove your infant son from his car carrier because there's mice shit all over, that's being lazy. Clean your house please. I don't get how people can live like that.

Matt Paxton needs to take charge of every hoard from now on.

miss.e.motional said...

BRAVA, you make me laugh out loud so much. I would like to take this opportunity to quote Beverly's grandson. "Do you have that...Phil Donahue...from 1982?" "Yes, yes I do." Amazing.

Thank you for being funny. High-fives all around!

Anonymous said...

I understand the need for us to watch shows that make us feel better about ourselves, but the bible says judge not. I'm not sure of your life story Erin from Boston but I guess you must be an expert on lazy and on loosiing parents at a young age.

Reverend Awesome said...

Bible passages really have no place in my blog, despite me being an actual, legit reverend.

I'd say if people don't want to be "judged" don't go on TV. We all know that terrible things brought about hoarders-hoarding. No one is denying that. What frustrates the viewing public is seeing kids having to suffer due to a hoarder choosing not to deal with their traumatic life events. I'd say if Megan had zero children people would be far less upset with her—cuz then she's just hurting herself.

miss.e.motional said...

Oh anonymous, so judgy from your anonymous name!!!!!

matt paxton said...

oh how I love the, Rev.

Erin from Boston said...

dear anonymous,

not that i owe an explanation for any of my comments (free speech) but my best friend is bipolar. having this mental illness has caused her to do many many things that one in their right mind would not do but none of them ever involved endangering her children. she has an illness and has suffered through many a thing in life, trust me, but her refrigerator doesn't have mice feces in it. is her house spotless? no but when her children were babies it was safe for them to crawl on the floor.

children shouldn't have to suffer from things that their parents can or cannot do. if a child was being beaten or molested they would be removed from the home. living in deplurable conditions is no different.

Reverend Awesome said...

You're welcome to practice your free speech up in this blog anytime, Erin. And to everything you said, I say, word.

Anonymous said...

Oh man. You missed the part where toofless daughter said she was "fittin" to go all hillbilly extreme fighting on toof having daughter. Toof haver, all incredulous: "Fittin??? FITTIN????" Sounds like toof haver was feeling a little superior to non toof haver to me.

AtlanticVamp said...

I hated Beverly's daughter Pam. She's trash and getting mad because her sister was willing to clean her house? Are you serious? "Well, what's wrong with it?" GTFO here.

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