Monday, August 22, 2011

Hoarders: Lisa, Bertha and a case of VD

It's Monday, new hoarders. Let's see what my bestie, Matt Paxton, has to say about tonight's episode on "the book."  (Fleming term! Love it.)

so tonight is an interesting one. I think you will all enjoy. Hoarders at 9pm EST on A&E

Matt Paxton food hoarder. it's extreme.

Matt Paxton i wish none of them had animals, but most of them do, sadly. this one does not

Here we go! Emmy nominated Hoarders, ahoy!

Lisa, Virginia
She loves cooking so much she hoards food to the point that she can't cook. 

Lisa was in a bad marriage, that led to hoarding. Her daughter says her Dad was an abusive sociopath and compares it to living with Jim Jones. I take it she means the cult leader and not the rap artist. If Lisa offers you kool-aid, don't take it. Lisa used to make weird trick meals for her daughter. Totally disgusting stuff with chicken hearts and maggots. She would tell her it was something normal like apple pie, make her eat it, then admit it was something totally fucked up after her daughter ate it. This is one of those episodes you REALLY can't watch while eating.

THE SQUIRREL IN THE BUTTER DISH INCIDENT! That's an actual incident in this household. There was a dehydrated squirrel in the butter dish. From that point her daughter stopped eating her mom's filthy meals. Good decision on her part. You won't find her shitting in a bucket anytime soon.

Her husband gave her VD! (They divorced 20 years ago. I think) And then he refused to let her get it treated. From that she got cervical cancer. Jesus Christ. I am, admittedly, obsessed with VD. In fact, my Grandma gave me a pamphlet about VD that the war dept. issued to my Grandpa when he left for WWII. Here are some VD avoidance tips. 
You don’t need sex relations to be strong.
VD may ruin your health and home.
You can’t tell what girl is infected.
A girl who’ll let you use her is probably infected.
If you can’t stay away from women use prophlaxis
Nine out of ten men who get vd failed to use prophylaxis.
If you get VD get good treatment.

Paxton, hurry up! Oh here's Mark Pfefflkasljlerkj. I've seen the previews. I know Paxton is on the way. Don't worry. Sorry, it's not that we don't have faith in you Mark it's just...she (and me) needs Matt. 

Lisa says she sees potential in everything but herself. She says she's too old for potential. :( Depression is a killer. She's infecting Matt! He doesn't know what to do with himself in this hoard. It's too much, even for him. Oh look! She has rotten fruit and veggies out on the radiator and considers it potpourri. Dear God. 

They all know they need to call APS (adult protective services) on Lisa. Her brain is not okay. She's eating jars of rot, she's not okay. 

Matt Paxton One Liner Hoard
"Get a good whiff on that. That's not good."
"I have found smells that I've never smelled before in my entire life."
"They smelled like sugar and butt" (describing old chicken bones)
"Maggot larvas are not seasoning."
"Even the bugs died off and said 'Screw it. This is gross. We're out of here.'"
"It's not what I thought it was but let's get into it. It's not poop."
"They showed me your sugar and I threw it away." 
"Do you ever get to the point where you just give up because there's so much stuff?"
"NO! DON'T EAT THAT! PLEASE DON'T EAT THAT!" (Matt asked her what a rotten food was, she put that vile crap into her mouth. She didn't even know what it was! I've never seen Matt so horrified.)

Well, APS doesn't give a crap about Lisa or the squirrel butter dish incident. Hopefully they will after seeing this episode? She's using her aftercare funds to continue to work with our beloved Matt Paxton. God speed, soldier. 

Bertha, Pennsyvania, part-time paper girl
She doesn't know why she hoards, but she hates it and finds it disgusting. That's +1 for Bertha. Some hoarder have no idea they are hoarders. They think they are treasure collectors. 
Bertha was exposed to hoarding at a young age. Her Dad died, she got married and divorced, her younger brother died and her older brother died. She put flowers on 9 graves and then she went full-blown hoarder.

Zasio is on the Bertha case. Calm voice: Activate! 
An example of Melissa's favorite term, outdoor storage.
LEVEL 5 HOARD! We haven't heard that term for awhile. If you're wondering what it means read Matt's book. He breaks it down. He says stage 5 is as bad as it gets. So, this is way  terrible.

Cory Chamlers shaved! YAY! He made a good decision, let's hope Bertha does the same. 

OH NO! Bertha can't find her green bundt pan! Now she's having a melt down. How do they not appreciate people cleaning up for them? That's how you know this is a disease. A sane person would LOVE to have people clean up for them. 

Zasio discovers Bertha's secret. She has a basement. Why was that a secret? Lamest secret ever. She's proudly waving the American flag outside her house, amongst her outdoor storage. Multiple American flags! She's hoarding patriotism. Make America proud, clean up your hoard.

All the charges have been ropped against Bertha. She's seeing a therapist and doing well. 

6 comments:

Random Visitor said...

I can't believe APS hasn't done anything about Lisa yet. Do they just not have the resources right now or did they deem her not enough of a risk to take immediate action? Does this mean there are worse things than eating unidentifiable black crud, putting dead squirrels in butter tubs, and keeping around food that actually kills the vermin that consume it? Any concept I have of a just and loving God have gone right out the window.

I gotta say, I feel pretty bad for old Mad Pax, but I hope he'll be able to help Lisa. You can do it, Pax!

Gary's third pottery blog said...

Would a just and loving GOD say "any girl who let's you have sex with her probably has VD", holy shit! Wait, what were we talking about here....

Amy B said...

This episode featured Matt Paxton at his finest, in all senses of the word. He is truly the cure for all that ails this world. Is it wrong that sometimes I have a twinge of jealousy that the hoarders get to have him come to their homes? Lisa continues to work with Matt Paxton... I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw those words. I don't think we've ever seen that before.
Level 5! I too got excited when Zasio dragged that term out of the dustbin.
We have not seen Standolyn this season have we?

Gail said...

The "sugar and butt" phrase from Matt Paxton was a favorite of mine.

I'm glad to see that Zasio's hair is looking a little bit less skunk-ish (as far as the color, I mean.)

Reverend Awesome said...

I'm so happy Zasio stopped with the extreme highlighting. You can't be soothing and have dramatic highlights! You just can't.

We haven't seen Standolyn! I hadn't noticed that. Where are they hiding our hoarding experts? Obviously I'm thrilled for this Mad Pax marathon though.

I couldn't believe when Lisa ate that black goo. That made my stomach flip. Somehow Matt was horrified, but smiles through his horror. He's a special guy. And yes, I'm a bit jealous that Lisa gets to hang out with our favorite homeboy. Not jealous enough to eat things that smell like sugar and butt though!

Knight said...

How old was the daughter? Is she an adult now?

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