Monday, June 20, 2011

Hoarders: Valley of the Dolls

It's finally here, ladies and gentlemen! The moment we've all been waiting for, the season premiere of Hoarders. How long has it been? It feels like it's been years. I could be rusty, bear with me. I need to grease my wheels with garbage. I know this one is gonna hurt, I need to build up my filth numbness.

Of course the Possum Posse is fired up. Let's get back into it. Shall we?

Phyllis—Griffin, Georgia
Philly is a nurse and also is a total creepazoid about dolls.

If you have 50,000 dolls you are a hoarder. FACT.

P-Diddy has 2 sons. Ed and Bobby. Bobby lives with his mother and her dolls. He has to for mental reasons. Ed (the son that doesn't live with her) is a fan of tough love, so am I, so is Judge Mathis and so is MATT PAXTON (whom is not on this episode, which is a shame).

Phyllis wasn't invited to her mother's memorial service. Do they send out invites for that? Was she banned or was she waiting for an invite. Well, whatever the case, this spurred the doll collecting.

She called the dolls her friends, yet here she is maniacally cutting off their limbs. SHE'S MUTILATING HER FRIENDS! Oh and now she's washing them like babies.

Mark Pfeffer is our man on the scene. "That's where I saw the full extent of her hoard."

Phyllis thinks she's a VUP, Very Unimportant Person. :( She's got a bad case of low self-esteem on her hands. Let's hope Mark can give her some confidence.

Phyllis is scaring me. She goes from sweet to terrifying in the blink of an eye.

She stole money from her son with mental problems. Who does that? Maniacal hoarders.

Philly was in a doll-induced trance for a bit, but she's back in the game.

Ed's gone rogue, he's gone from tough love to comedy and it's working! By making his mom laugh, he convinced her to throw away dolls with a smile on her face. Humor works miracles.

P-Dawg is fine. She's getting aftercare and everything.

Janet—Washington, Michigan
She's a nurse too! Shouldn't nurses be clean? This scares me.

I am LOVING the braid in her hair. Keepin' it funky fresh in the hoard.

Janet's head is popping out of her hoard heap like a little caterpillar! If it wasn't totally disgusting it would be adorable.

She craps outside, along the side of her house. She says the side of her house is, "in private." I can tell you something more private than that? It's called a bathroom. I promise you'll like it. I love mine.

She isn't sure if God cares if her house is clean. I don't think God cares if you've dusted, but he probably cares that you are pooping on the side of the house and peeing in bottles. Not in a sense that you'll go to hell, but you're making God sad for you.

Janet birthed 11 kids in 12 years. 2 of the kids didn't survive infancy. She was also in an abusive marriage. Allegedly. We'll see, I have my eye on this guy. I don't trust him. He says he didn't abuse her.

IT'S ROBIN ZASIO (Tonya Hoarding) and her hair looks FANTASTIC! I'm so happy for our girl. She looks great. I'd also like to point out that Dr. Zasio is a classy Tonya Harding, the kind that doesn't attack people or wear blue eye shadow.

There are urine jars all over the place. Her pee is very dark. Maybe it's old pee? God. Why did I have that thought. Now you have to have it too. Let's all suffer.

Oh look, she has a bird. Or maybe just a decorative, filthy bird cage.

I got a text from my friend Phil. We're wonering if that was the first dead frog on Hoarders? I think so.

Cory Chamblers is our clean-up man this evening.

"I can't believe my mom was peeing in bottles." One of her children upon seeing the hoard and his mom's garbage bed and pee bottles. "I think I stepped in poop or something over here." Another kid that is describing, in PAINFUL detail about the smell and feel of stepping in his mother's crap.

They found garbage dating back to '93.

Her daughter Beth seems pretty awesome. Her twin sister showed up just to start some shit, obviously. For some reason she has a dog in tow. Get that bitch out of here. 

Father Doc is performing an exorcism/blessing on the house. 

Beth rules. She is still helping her mom and being totally awesome. 


Gary's third pottery blog said...

50 thousand??? you have to ask, when does a collection become just a huge pile of junk????

Jyl said...

You did great! I knew you could do it!

I have to admit, I felt a little bad when I let a laugh slip out when Janet fell into her "chair" (which sounded like a pile of crinkle-liciousness).

I do wish the Paxtonator was here to deal with the doll situation. He would have had some great gems. But I do suppose these other "experts" (I use the term loosely, since we know Zasio and Paxton are the only experts!) have to feed their families as well. Such is life.

Erin from Boston said...

my favorite part of the episode was when Phyllis screamed "THAT'S THE ONE I HAD TO DO SURGERY ON!!!!!!!!!"

pretty much anytime that comes out of your mouth and you're not 4 years old and playing doll doctor, you've got a serious doll hoard/mental problem.

i would have loved to be a neighborhood kid and see all those dolls laid out on tarps in her yard and then being hauled away in the got junk trucks. that was the best hoard haul away ever.

Erin from Boston said...

i spotted my old cabbage patch doll Leonardo in her collection too!

Jyl said...

I wanted to jump in it.

Reverend Awesome said...

When I was a kid our next door neighbors joined a new church, this new church told the congregation that Smurfs were Satanic. SO, imagine our delight when we saw all the toys they were throwing away! Yes, my bro and I dumpster dove.

George and Maureen Johnson said...

I have never liked dolls, ever. I don't know sometimes they creep me out. Anyway, Kudos for the Smurf rescue operation...that I would of loved. It's smurfly, awesome! hahahaha! I just couldn't did dolls, couldn't figure out what the hell to do with them. But now puppets, oh yeah, loved them. Made them annoying, and naughty. hahahaha!
I used to drive myself crazy, trying to figure out why people do what they do when I worked for the Shrinks. That is why I got out of it. Everyday was a ??????? Day! lol lol lol :)

Gail said...

I, too, am glad Hoarders is back! As well as your stupendous coverage of it.

My mom also thought it was peculiar that Phyllis needed an invite to her own mother's memorial service.

miss.e.motional said...

I agree with about both the dark pee (????) and the memorial service invite situation. Whhhaaa?

I hope they are both still in some intensive therapy.

Leslie said...

You seriously need to hold an online hoarders party!

Reverend Awesome said...

I need to figure out how we can all have an online garbage party together!

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