Sunday, April 17, 2011

Stupid Things My Parents Let Me Do

I've already discussed the LIES my parents told me. So many lies. They should both be ashamed of themselves.

Sometimes they wouldn't tell me lies, they'd just let me behave like a fool. I assume for their own amusement. How dare they!

1. They let me pour salt into the bathtub to try to turn into a mermaid. 
I was obsessed with the movie Splash, big time. I made, almost nightly, wishes to turn into a mermaid. I think they were wishes, they may have been prayers. Maybe both. I was calling on any force that would listen to me to turn my stupid legs into a mermaid tail!

During one scene in the movie Splash Darryl Hannah pours some salt in the bathtub, pinches herself and TAH DA! MERMAID. I ran the idea past my parents. I asked if I could take the big salt (the one not in a shaker) with me while I took a bath. Why? To turn into a mermaid, of course.

They let me! Those asses let me pour salt into my bath hoping for a tail. It didn't work, in case you were wondering. I'm still a human. Damn it all!

2. They let me build lightning-based science projects all over the yard. 
My favorite shows growing up were Mr. Wizard and Betty Lou and the House with the Magic Window. I've tried to find clips of that show online, but the only ones I see are way old. She was a crafter, Mr. Wizard was a scientist. They were both great. So, I would craft and also conduct science experiments.

My mom loved crafting with me. The science experiments she never seemed to have as much fun with. When I was in elementary school my parents signed me up for a science day camp and we dissected a lamb's heart! Weee! Fun for me. I brought my heart home to show off to my parents. They told me to put it out on the deck. Okay, I put my heart out on the deck. THE CAT ATE IT! I was upset, my mom was worried, everything ended up fine.

Anyways, back to the experiments, I would build elaborate "lightning rods" all over the yard. We learned about lightning rods at school. I thought we should have one at our house. I had tomato cages all over the yard, connected with string and silverware was also involved. (I know my Mom is reading this annoyed just thinking about how we'd always run out of spoons. No spoons in the house. They were in the yard. Sorry.) I had the string on there to prove it was hit by lightning. It would burn up, right? Who knows. It never did.

3. Let me try to dig a hole to China
Yes, they let me sit in the backyard and try to dig a hole to China. Never telling me it was impossible, knowing I'd never get there. Maybe it was a life lesson. Anything is possible, except digging a hole to China.

4. Playing jail with my brother Will.
My Dad was a drywaller. He had loads of expensive tools. (Expensive tools I could clean for $$$!) Expensive tools need to be locked up. My dad had a tool locker in the garage. That tool locker turned into me and Will's tiny jailhouse! We would take turns locking each other up in there and pretending we were in big trouble. Neither of us worried about the other one locking them in and leaving. We weren't that kind of brother and sister. It was all jailhouse fun. Maybe that's why my parents let us lock each other in jail.

Side note: We had meat stolen out of our garage once. How crazy is that? My Dad bought a whole bunch of fancy steaks and things and we kept it in a freezer in the garage. Our meat was stolen! This meat thief remains on the loose because my parents didn't fulfill their civic duty and call the police.
This is why it was extra important to lock up those tools...and kids...and meat.

5. My dad let/made me say "Fuck" 
This is a day I will never forget because of the look of horror on my mom's face.

My parents were watching MTV, more specifically, they were watching this song:

At one point Ric Ocasek starts walking on water. My dad whispered to me to tell my mom, "It's fucking magic." I did. OH MY GOD. Why did he make me do that!? Trouble. I knew I did something wrong the minute I saw my mom's face and that's really all it takes for me. No need to scold me. If I saw on someone's face I'd done something wrong I got so upset with myself I just burst into tears of shame. Lesson learned. Don't trust Dad!

........

Also, I would totally do the same things. Kids are so hilarious/ridiculous.  

4 comments:

Gary's third pottery blog said...

have you
a) taught little Tori to say fuck?
b) taught your nieces and nephews about spoons?
c) let them lock you up?
Your parents = THE VERY BEST :) yay Kelly and Will 2!

k.a. barnes said...

Oh my sainted aunts, YOU TOOK HOME YOUR DISSECTED LAMB'S HEART???

AND THE CAT ATE IT OFF THE DECK????

Priceless. I'm peeing myself with laughter.
You couldn't make this shit up.

Your folks sound a lot like mine were. When my cousins from NJ would visit, they'd arrive in what felt like the middle of the night ('cause it was a 6-hour drive & they had to leave after my aunt got out of work). We'd be so hopped up waiting to see them that we'd go psycho-hyper when they finally got there. My dad would call us all down, line us up in the kitchen and make us all drink a bathroom dixie cup of beer to calm us down. Like that worked. All it did was make us associate beer with fun with friends. Late at night.

George and Maureen Johnson said...

This is really great Kasey, and makes us all smile and remember just how great our parents were. Gosh, your stories were hysterical.
As parents, George and I are probably the worst enablers on the planet. Ironically, as we have aged we are worse than every....hahahahha! And to make matters worse, we like it too and jump right into it along with Carrie, and our Granddaughter Lydia.
Awful, awful, parents, but what a great time, with loads of laughs. George's Mother, and My Mother, were worse than us if you can believe it! :) Ah that is what love is!
Unconditional, and always enabling...sometimes can turn into disabling, but still always fun!
Thanks for this post, took us down memory lane! :)

Fran said...

This is amazing! I loved Splash too and wanted to be a mermaid, so don't feel all alone on that one. I will say, you did take it a step further by putting salt in the tub. I love that video "Magic".

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