Monday, November 15, 2010

Hoarders: God Bless You All Especially Lloyd and Carol

Lloyd: "My name is Lloyd and I have become a hoarder in my lifetime." Desert Hot Springs, CA

You know what caused hoarding, guys? The great depression. I mean, for real. My grandma had a drawer full of bread bags. Hundreds of them. Do you know what caused the great depression? Charlie Chaplin's salary. There is no way anyone should have been getting that much money back then.

Lloyd has a 50,000 dollar fine! And other $50,000 fine? How do they ever expect him to pay that? $100,000 from Lloyd. He lives in a junk yard. That can just never happen. Why are we charging people money that they will never be capable of having?

Lloyd is a libertarian. I can tell you that right now. The awesome kind that says everyone just do what you want and let me do what you want and really believes that no bad could come of it.

"Get that bad Lloyd with the junk yard! We're going to get rid of his ass. You don't belong here."

Lloyd walks around with a black parasol. Some people may just call it an umbrella, but I think if you carry it during a day it is called a parasol. Lloyd and his black parasol.

Lloyd used to sell insurance and it stressed him out. He started drinking and then he got violent. We're 5 minutes in and I can already tell I'm going to like Lloyd. He's just like a funny, crazy old man that just wants everyone to mind their own business and he'll mind his own business.

"The magnitude of this hoard is enormous." That's what she said. The "she" is the Tina Fey wanna-be hoarding expert.

Lloyd has been living in a parked RV in his back yard. Well, I guess it's not an RV, it's a trailer. One of those trailers you have to hitch to a truck to move. Lloyd has no toilet, guess he'll probably just poop in bags like the other hoarders. I don't know how hoarders get to the point where they think that's reasonable.

They called adult protective services on Lloyd. Lloyd and his umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh.

Cory is in charge of clean-up. He's an alright dude.

Lloyd's daughter is throwing out precious items. Like rusty rings. I love Lloyd's look. The sunglasses on his hat. He's working it.

He just told his daughter she needed to ABIDE by him. God. This is what happens every time I start liking a hoarder. I find out they are mean. Lloyd likes talking about how they're out to get Lloyd. He says it in the 3rd person. I think that's a sign you've gone from fun crazy to bad crazy, when you start talking about yourself like that.

Lloyd has medicine in the fridge covered in maggots.

"GOD BLESS AMERICA!" Lloyd just cried that out when he sees what all has been taken from his yard. Lloyd is now SINGING God Bless America "to the assholes living on the ground around us." or something like that.

"I'm glad you can make intelligent decisions for your father." Lloyd to his daughter Kaye. Whoa. Now he's turning tables saying "F*¢k, America!" I don't even want to type that and get put on some list. I watch Jesse Ventura: Conspiracy Theory. I know what's up. They'll see that and they'll send me on a flight from Plum Island to Denver Airport and I'll never come back.

Lloyd has dementia. That could explain the mood swings.

"Here's a perfectly good box gone to hell." Lloyd.

He's still living at home in his junk yard. A nurse comes and visits him once a week. 

Carol lives in Cali. She's 50 and she's a homemaker, a shitty homemaker, but a homemaker. Her husband is named Kelvin and he has a creepy mustache.

Kelvin doesn't want to eat feces. I didn't think he did, but he let us know he doesn't want to. If you were wondering.

"Do you want your boxes or do you want me?" That was his ultimatum to Carol. I think we know the answer to that, BOXES. God. Guess I know where she stands on the mustache.

Carol collects medical documents. She apparently is a fan of frivolous lawsuits. She got hurt at an amusement park. She's the type of person who sues for a million dollars because their coffee was hot. She keeps all of her lawsuit papers. Her husband refers to her piles of lawsuits as "her life's work."She calls it her treasure.

"That's how I make the money and pay the bills." Carol talking about her lawsuits. This is her job! Someone stop her.

Carol doesn't trust Kelvin. I don't trust Kelvin either, but I also don't trust Carol.

MATT PAXTON! "She's in a deep mental hoard. She's lost inside her head." This is a special kind of way that only people that scoop human shit out of houses talk. I think we've really seen Matt Paxton come into his own here this season. He's confident in his cleaning and hoarding assessing abilities.

Carol is hiding lawsuit papers all over the lawn. Carol is total crap at hiding things! She's tip-toeing and creepy out to the shed. Then she actually says, not to look in there. She hides things like my nieces. You walk into their room, food all over their face. "What are you guys eating?" "Nothing. Don't look in the drawer!" Seriously, this lady is hiding something. Something more than these fake lawsuits.

A&E, I'm getting pissed at all this crap programming. Hasselhoff, Bob Saget and Gene Simmons. You're sickening. Give us more people that weren't famous already. America has decided we are done with them being famous so just let it be. It's Hoarders time to shine. We don't need a Hasselhoof come back.

Well that's it. It's clean.
Carol and Kelvin are working on their marriage and mess.

30 comments:

Gary's third pottery blog said...

Oh geez, is America CRAZIER than we think? Yes. And lloyd, I think maybe you drank a little too much libertarianism in your time.

Melissa Miller said...

WOW last night was crazy! Lloyd and his maggot fridge and peppering "God Bless America" with swears. I was laughing out loud (lol if you will) until I got nervous about the government too.

Carol's life's work is....boxes of papers? See this is why I watch this show. It makes my life seem fantastic and amazing.

Erin from Boston said...

Llove Llove Llove Lloyd!!!!!! His exclamation of "Oh Shit! God Bless America!" was my favorite hoarder moment ever. I clean out the refrigerator at my work and i've gotta say I've pretty much seen it all as far as food rotting in a refrigerator but God Bless America, I've never seen maggots!

Carol reminds me of that little kid on The Middle who puts his head down and repeats everything he says. I liked how her daughters wore matching outfits for the cleanout. Team effort. I love at the end when they go into the house and marvel at how "nice" it looks. Um, Carol, your floor is now cement and your sofa has tape holding it together. just saying.

Reverend Awesome said...

I am comforted by the fact that I am not the only one that was loving Lloyd. He was delightful. I think I just love angry old people. They're fun! If you're going to be an asshole, be a funny asshole.

George and Maureen Johnson said...

I don't really have a stance on hoarders, we have a ton of them around where we live. As long as they keep their stuff(which they defend with their lives) on their property we don't care one bit.
But I certainly agree with you on the Celeb scene...oh please spare me, Tinsel Town its just like it's namesake, cheap, and phony. Give me REAL people anyday, sock monkey lovers, dog lovers, pottery lovers, art lovers, etc...I cannot stand contrived stories for Celebs to do their time on TV showing their entitiled, spoiled, and unreal lifestyles. If I never hear of "Snooki" I would feel a better person for it! lol lol :)

HoardFan said...

I love the way Lloyd's act kept progressing. When he sang the hoard-enhanced GOD BLESS AMERICA number, I expected a USO-style encore by the end of the episode. He could have at least climbed onto the trailer with his parasol and spun around a little.

He also threw the cutest old man tantrum I've ever seen. Lloyd's not afraid to show some junk patio tables who's boss.

Way to go, Adult Protective Services! They'll send a nurse out once a week to sniff the stinking trash, scrap the maggots off his meds, and hear "GOD BLESS AMERICA!!" That's why we pay taxes.

Reverend Awesome said...

This is fun, reminiscing about the wonder that was Lloyd. He's my treasure. I'd hoard Lloyd.

He wasn't taking any shit from that table! You are right.

Melmo said...

After watching this delicious hot mess of an episode, I googled "Lloyd Hoarders" and your post came up on Google. I am officially in love with you. :-D

Reverend Awesome said...

Thank you. I think Lloyd has charmed us all. It's impossible not to love Lloyd.

Misti said...

Lloyd is a friend of my Mother's & I've known him since I was five. At that time, his utilities/bathroom were in working order and his house was livable. In the 16 years since, his collections have grown to be out of control, but he is still one of the kindest, most generous people I've ever met. Although I've yet to see the episode, I'm glad he wasn't portrayed in too bad of a light and all of you seem to appreciate him for the lovable kook he is.

Reverend Awesome said...

OH MY GOSH YOU KNOW LLOYD?! I feel so close to greatness! YAY! WOW. I soo happy to find out that he is actually lovable!

He's a charmer.

Anonymous said...

After seeing the oh so wonderful supportive daughters of lloyd it came as no shock that lloyd was hording... i felt sorry for the poor guy.. as for his loving and supportive daughters and grandson.. i say get off your pitty pot.. give me a break the only to girls in the world that had a rough life...get over it..learn to forgive & heal... that was then and this is now... i feel no pitty what so ever for them..you'd think they were old enough and educated to see beyound there own pain and suffering to see what happened to there father.. lloyd i wish you the best may you find the peace, healing and forgivness through christ.. and for your daughters shame on you... grow up... stop looking at your own pain others have gone through so much more then you and still find healing and forgivness.

sweetzombieducky said...

I should have known better than to start reading through your blog at work. Don't be surprised if the following doesn't get me fired:

I watch Jesse Ventura: Conspiracy Theory. I know what's up.They'll see that and they'll send me on a flight from Plum Island to Denver Airport and I'll never come back.

LOVE your recaps. I didn't see the one with Adella - you need to do that one. Matt vs Adella and her disappearing/reappearing hoard is almost as good as Matt vs Hanna and her barn of crap.

Reverend Awesome said...

Thanks, Zombie Ducky!
Do you watch Jesse Ventura too? I need to find more people that watch that so they understand when I grumble, "I'm just asking questions!"

http://shallowthoughtswithkasey.blogspot.com/2010/09/hoarders-season-premiere.html

There's the Adella recap.

Anonymous said...

The world is my country, all mankind are my brethern, and to do good is my religion.

Anonymous said...

Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news.... I knew Lloyd, he was lovable and reminded me of an alcoholic Mr. Magoo. The first time I eyed him at a meeting, he was secretly taking donuts one by one and hiding them in his pocket. It was really cute, he got a monthly check and bought his own food and all but he really wanted that whole box of donuts. Anyhow, shortly after the episode he was placed in assisted living (due to his dimensia becoming a problem) - vandals burned the property and he passed away. I will miss Lloyd.

Anonymous said...

lol.. dude.. you try way to hard to be funny.. sad to see what the internet has become

Reverend Awesome said...

It is sad what your time on the internet has become. People forcing you to read through things YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE just to write some anonymous comment telling them you didn't like it. :( So time consuming. Thank you for spending some of your valuable free time with me. Sorry it wasn't up to your refined reading taste. I hope you find your happy place soon.

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Anonymous said...

I knew Lloyd as well he was always so nice.. always saying how beautiful his daughters were how much he loved them.. i seen him in meetings too the same as u mentioned. I'm so sad to hear of his passing. It's so sad.. my husband and I were just talking g about him saying we hadn't seen him since that show. Thank you for writing this now we know..

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