Monday, November 1, 2010

Hoarders: Gangrene and Handbags

For those that don't watch Hoarders but kindly read my recaps anyways, here is a promo for tonight's episode.

For some people Hoarders makes them clean. For me, it makes me feel like I don't need to clean. I'm doing okay.

Theresa is from Citronelle, Alabama. Citronelle like the mosquito candles? She's a retired state worker that's married to Earl and Earl just said MY NAME IS EARL! Sneaky advertising for My Name is Earl. Oh, that was cancelled. Never mind.

Theresa is the 3rd black hoarder they've shown. I honestly think hoarding is a white person's disease.

The kids had to clean growing up so I guess their parents were so obsessed with trash then. They let the kids throw it out. They are obsessed with not having to clean EVER. That's what they are inflicted with.

"Every time I got sad I just by me a new dress or shoes or purse." The wily Theresa. Where? At the thrift store.

Oh she was spending 5 grand right and left back of the day. She's like MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice, but without teeth! She spent112,000 dollars spent in a year and a half!

They have fucking clothes racks in their house. Good lord. She thinks her purses are an investment.

"He doesn't know what to do with me. I don't know what to do with me." Former baller, Theresa
She has purse piles. Come on, people. It's not like they are poop piles!

Oh look at all that nail polish! I can't help but think that would be fun to keep around. Don't throw out the nail polish!!

Worry worry worry. Worried worried worried.

She's getting the bun hoarding expert.

Oh yes, she's super fancy. The hoarding expert told her that "this is definitely the home of the lady." That seems like an enabler to me.

Purses can't talk to Theresa. Guess I'll continue being the Nation's only purse talker.

Really, I like Theresa. She is a lady!

She's got about 3,000 purses with shoes to match. They just referred to the mess as, Theresa's hoard. Theresa's treasure trove.

God dammit not the roasting pan! It was perfectly good!

Theresa seems all super sweet but now it's coming out! Her kids are scared of her? She hits and yells. You can't deal with a hoard without getting down to the dynamics. says the bun lady. She still seems soo sweet!

Theresa went through the dumpster overnight. Looking for her purse! She has thousands of purses. OH! There's angry Theresa. I see it now. Sorry I ever doubted you, hoarder kids.

Oh no. A lot of the purses are knock-offs. I don't think that lady needs to be so ecstatic about it? I mean, the hoarders dreams are being crushed and you are just reveling in it. I hate you, thrift store lady. If she has 3,000 of them just sell them for a couple bucks. There isn't poop on them! Oh, out comes the stashed purse. It was REAL! Theresa isn't giving it up. She just wanted to prove a point.

I don't think you're an ignorant black person, Theresa. I mean, have you seen the white hoarders? She only got $350 dollars for all of her purses.


I though we were going to hear all about gangrene based on the episode description. "

Losing several inches of her intestine to gangrene hasn’t stopped Theresa from hoarding and eating expired food." 

Guess not. 


Their house has pink carpet and it's wonderful. Her husband is sticking by her. I kind of love them.

Karen is 47 and she's not American. No, she's Canadian.

She's politely telling us she lives in a hoarders house. She used to be a lawyer. She had a daughter die of SIDS and she went crazy and went shopping and did meth. Oh no.

She was also super rich at a recent time. She married a heroin addict. Wise move. Legally join yourself to that person for life. The heroin addict wondered what was wrong with a hoarder? Really dude? And she's a meth addict. The hoarding is the big problem for them though.

Gerry is her husband. 50 years old. They've been together for 9 years. 9 years ago they looked way different than they do now.

She can just talk to Gerry about anything. She also became a heroin addict just like Jerry. How sweet. Like Romeo and Juliet.

This daughter is kind of overlooking the fact that her Dad is a heroin addict. I get that her STEP-mother is a hoarder and an addict, but your Dad is sort of a trash box too. Maybe he needs help. Oh here's Gerry slurring his words. This is weird. I don't think they are really hoarders, this is a drug addicted mess.


It's Tonya Hoarding! (Genius name not mine, Jyl came up with that gem) I can not get over the fact that she thinks those highlights are working for her. 

Karen stormed out because Tonya was sickened. Isn't it your job not to be sickened, Tonya!? Pull it together! "An antique smell." That's what Karen claimed the smell in her house is. An antique smell. Next time I start sweating like a pig at work because someone turned the heat up to 85 I'll call my B.O. an antique smell. 

Gerry put a special room down in the basement for Karen to go downstairs and be with her dead daughter's clothes and stuff. That's not really a good way to help someone move on.

I love that the drug addicts claim their mess is "papers to file."It's like Big Lebowski's police report about his stolen briefcase. 
"Oh, a tape deck. Some Creedance tapes and there was my briefcase."
"In the briefcase?"
"Papers. Just papers. You know. Papers. My business papers.
"What do you do, sir?
"I'm unemployed.

The husband is so high he requires subtitles. Oh he's trying to sabotage all of them by speaking french and smoking cigarettes! I see what you're up to, Gerry. They say he's off heroin and on methadone. He seems way not normal. 

Tonya Hoarding says Jerry is frightened that Karen will get clean and get back into the work force and not hoard and she'll leave him behind. 

How does one become a certified professional organizer? I really want to know.

A resemblance of trying to resemble a life at this point." Gerry, clearly high as a damn kite. 

The clean-up guy found some old hottie pictures of Karen. 

*Commercial commentary Gross Baywatch baby commercial! NASTY! It is about the Hasselhoffs. The entire family is making a show together?  So that drunk idiot gets a TV show? Come on, America. We're going too far. Yes, I know I'm blogging about Hoarders. Hasselhoff has had his time now let the hoarders have theirs.

NEXT WEEK A LEVEL 5 WITH TONYA HOARDING AND A DUMPSTER DIVER! YES!! 

They are going through the baby's room. Gerry needs to shut the fuck up. He's standing behind her just creeping and leering. 

Tonya is putting her foot down on Gerry going with Karen to the garbage to throw her daughter's clothes away. Good for you, Tonya. 

"It's some sort of finale of closure. And maybe Karen can move on." Gerry and he's scared of that. The thought of her moving on is making him cry.

Gerry is burning up papers in the house over the dog. Gerry is out of his god damn mind. "It's only fire." he says. 

Karen seems really happy. I hope she can get it together. She can do it if Gerry gets out of the picture. 

4 comments:

Jyl said...

Yessss! I missed Tonya Hoarding so much!!

e. a. yerday said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Erin from Boston said...

What I found most disturbing about Gerry was his bear claw fingernails and how nasty and lumberjack they were. That and how he didn't really seem to care that he was about to set the dog on fire.

I also LOVED that Theresa had round racks for her clothes in the house. It was like shopping at Goodwill in her very own house! She didn't need the organizer, she has that shit down. You don't get much more organized than round racks for your clothes. She needs a financial intervention. When you're about to go file for bankruptcy, you might reconsider keeping that coach purse!

Leslie said...

I LOVE BLACK HOARDERS!!!! They seriously make my day. Is it because I am black? Possibly.

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