Monday, November 29, 2010

Hoarders: Arline and Carolyn

Why wasn't there a new Hoarders last week? I don't like how let down it makes me feel. It almost makes me feel like I've lost my hoarder numbness. You know how I hate that.

It's Matt Paxton! YAY! He's a well known cleaning expert. We have gotten to the point as Americans that we need such things! Matt Paxton is the best. He's the god of organization and cleaning and telling it like it is. He's the non-judicial, white Judge Mathis!

Arline, 66 Hawaii! I've seen the hoarding there. This should be pretty awesome. She's a retired something. We can maybe figure that out later.

She hoards because of WWII. I'm not kidding and, of course, because she's a perfectionist. Have you ever known someone that claims to be a perfectionist not to be an asshole? I haven't either.

Richard is her husband. He can't stand up straight due to scoliosis and had prostate problems. His back is just a big hump. It's really bad.
Arline just said that it was almost at the point where she is going to have to sleep in her car! Well, as long as she is okay. Oh god. Her selfishness literally made me LOL. You know I don't say that if I don't mean that. If you don't know that you do now.

It's kind of awesome how sometimes these hoarders end up having totally normal, non-hoarding kids. That gives me hope for our future. They never gave up hope.

Oh shit! Avalanche all over Arline's flowered head. Do you know why hoard piles collapse on top of your head. "It happens it happens." She did take the time to stick some fake flowers in her head. Fancy.

1 1/5 feet by 4 feet of puffy hoard. That's the area where she sleeps.

Melissa is offended that the hoarders both have kids named Melissa. Do you know what's always named after me? Dogs. So many dogs.

I'm glad Matt Paxton at least got to go to Hawaii. Oh Richard is a Cubs fan. (Insert Cubs fan joke here)

They are shouting BONZAI! I really loved the Karate Kid too.

The only thing this lady is acquiring is boxes to keep other boxes. She said that. That's what she says she's keeping. Oh man this is a nesting doll of boxes. She's wearing a Clutter Cleaner hat. Good for them and their product placement. Oh now she's got a gussied up boonie cap. 

Richard is adorable even with his crazy back. He just wants to watch TV and go to bed. How dare she do this to him!?

"This is all poop" Matt Paxton. He does this for us. I know he does! I love him for it. 

I just love that the hoarding expert is wearing a Hawaiian shirt. She was probably just maxin' and relaxin' in Hawaii prior to clean-up. You were sent there to work not for a vacation! This is why Matt has to do all the work. 

Arline is letting them have a cleaning frenzy! Thank you, Matt Paxton! I know this is mostly your doing. The doc was off learning to surf and you were busting your ass.

It's still gross, but less gross. "We've got floor." says Arline. It's true. Richard is in heaven. He has a bed. Poor guy. At least he got that. Get him out of the car. 

Carolyn, Indiana. Oh such a meek voice. It made me immediately sad. 

Oh shit, she's a thief! Oh she's just playing shy. I see how she is. She steals from stores and family. I'd say from looking at her house she's a pretty successful thief.

Bitch steals dishes from restaurants. Good lord. She really had me fooled at first. THEY HAVE A LAMBORGHINI POSTER UP! Oh lord. When did everyone want those (besides Missy Elliot)? The 80's? I suspect they don't own a Lamborghini. That's weird to just put up posters in your house of cars you wish you had. Wait. Doesn't Oprah say to do that? Wasn't that in The Secret book some sort of wish board? 

She goes to their homes once in a while, but she doesn't visit her kids. Yeah, she goes to their house to rob them!

Pretty "squalid" odor in the home says the hoarding expert. Edit: She was mos def not making up words. Bitch knows her shit.

Her son found his class ring. This home is where dreams go to die. SHE STOLE her son's class ring. She stole it from him. She's living in a 

She stole genealogy papers from her daughter! I don't know what it is, some Mormon file folder. Her daughter is screaming at her. Good for her. That has to be hard because her Mom just looks so sad and strange. This is really rage inducing for her daughter. 

This hoarding expert is a mix of Demetri Martin and Paul Rudd. I'll go and ask the Possum Posse who they think this hoarding expert is. He's the doctor and also he looks like someone from a 70's album. That's why if you don't know something you should ask. 

I just cringed seeing her hold the baby. Oh crap, she threw herself out. She threw so hard she flung herself into the garbage, it looked like when cartoon characters go bowling.

Scott thinks she can't wait to start stealing again. All of the new stuff she'll be able to fit in there. I think he's probably right. She promised she wouldn't take THEIR things, her family. She didn't promise about anyone else's. 


Melissa Miller said...

HAHAHAAH. I am SOMCL. None of this "rolling-on-the-floor-laughing" crap for me. I am more of a "sitting-on-my-couch-laughing" kind of gal and I think you are too.

Anyway I digress.

I died when she almost threw herself away. SOMCL. The cartoon bowler image is spot-on. Kudos to

And incidentally, even though they named me Melissa, my parents are the opposite of Hoarders - you should SEE the treasures they've tossed.

Erin from Boston said...

Re: the daughter who was screaming over the stolen genealogy: can't you just reprint that crap on about every genealogy website there is? what's her deal with originals?

Re: 2 Melissas and dogs named Kasey: there is a show on WE (please don't judge me for watching shows on that station) called Downsized. They have a kid named Bailey and a dog named Bailey. Who was thinking in that family? Um, nobody was!

Marz said...

"Squalid" is most definitely a word. Pertains to dirty and wretched and definitely works with a hoarder house.

Reverend Awesome said...

Marz has taught me something. Thank you. I will start overusing it immediately.

I would never judge you for watching shows on We. I am in no position to judge anyone's television habits.

Marz said...

Yeah, it is a good word. So, if you live in squalor, those are squalid conditions. My plan is not to live in squalor.

Overuse it in good health!

Liz said...

I think I might need to indulge in TV and check this show out. I am sure it will make me feel like my messy house could actually be blessed by Martha Stewart herself. I get antsy over clutter, and always think My house should be condemned, but it seems, that in reality, I just live with Teens and am an artist.....

Reverend Awesome said...

YES! Do it, Lizzie!

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