Monday, November 8, 2010

Hoarders: Al + Julie

Alan, but you cant call him Al. Hammond, Indiana 
What's his occupation. He wears and hoards many hats. He has too many hats to list, but he goes ahead and lists them: plumber, carpenter cement layer, cement finisher, brick layer, antique refinisher, welder fabricator. All those hats no time to clean.

His friend gets a real kick out of him. He's a hoot, real clever. He gets a kick out of the whole thing. Al went through a year without bathing and his friend honestly couldn't seem more proud of him. 

Ahhh the ole dumpster gleam, it gets to all of us. 

His wife said if he died before her she'd just light a match. She didn't want to deal with his garbage. His wife, who was gorgeous, found a lump on her breast. She didn't accept treatment and she died. A year and a half after their son's death, he was premature.  I guess he had another son too? Yeah. 

This lady with a bad dye job is worried that the paint in the house could be lead paint. You know what, it's all garbage. SQUALOR! Let's assume he's not eating the paint.

Al's brother wouldn't take Al's kid out of the garbage house. "I think it's very selfish of him not to take my son." Al the Hoarder, beard lover. Beards can either be distinguished or give off a total hobo vibe. I don't normally find they have an in between.

Al doesn't have heat because he also doesn't have 40 dollars. 

Al has a foyer and a sentimental chair. The chair was the cause of the rift in the hoarder household.

What expert is going to help Al clean his hoard? DR. TONYA HOARDING! The highlights seem less obvious. Her hair is poofier though. Maybe she's blending the stripes. 

LEVEL 5 STATE OF HOARD! Oh shit. NO! Not level 5. Not the completely made-up level 5! Say it ain't so!? 

Al just bought himself a fruit fly pie. 

Oh now Al's friend is talking trash on his antique's. He called them sludge. This was the same guy that was singing his fun-time dirty bird friend's praises 10 minutes ago. 

The goal here, get the red tag off Al's house. The red tag that says it is uninhabitable. 

Al's brother just showed up! Alan thinks he's a scoundrel. He says his non-dirty brother hates him and envies him. He envies all his talent. His collecting talent. 

"How many hoes can one man need." Dr. Tonya Hoarding. I feel like she planned on saying that. Smart movie, Robin.

"Rick hit the bricks." Rhyming hoarder that looks eerily like Charles Manson. Now he's in the dumpster losing his mind, yet looking like Jesus at the same time. Tonya/Robin is just in standing there eating a damn sandwich while he's losing his shit, climbing in the dumpster, calling people dick heads. Wow. She must be numb to hoard. Big time numb. It's dinner and a show as far as she is concerned. Tonya Hoarding, she's just like us.

"Clown. Put on make-up. Red lips and a white face." Al shouted that to his brother. Dr. Tonya is in the dumpster with him! This is all after eating a sandwich, let's not forget. 

Al wants to take one last peak in the dumpster. OH! Now he wants to kill someone. Al went through the dumpster overnight! Al better not get his kid back. Don't help him get his kid back he's a lunatic. 

Al is only throwing things away so he can spray paint them. 

Al's wearing bunny ears? Dumpster bunny. Oh, Al has one of his many hats on. Some sort of Revolutionary War hat? Damn Al, you have like 30 umbrellas. 

Julie is an activity leader at an elementary school. Her house is a collecting ground for her passion. Her passion appears to be garbage. It's good to be passionate about things. 

Julie's daughters seem clean and normal. Good for you, kids! Living the clean life. 

Julie is an artist so she's glad she has all this trash around the house. 

There was a homeless lady living in Julie's basement and she didn't know! Their basement is a hobo hideout! Holy crap. 

Julie's husband and kids call her Scary Mary? Or is Scary Mary the homeless lady that nests in their basement? I can't tell. Either way, no one should have to question if you're referring to the homeless person that's nesting in your basement that you didn't know about. Julie says she's mastered the art of walking around with a flashlight under her chin. Valid skill.

Julie has a "classic case" of hoarding. She's an artist so she can think of uses for her garbage. Like broken heals off shoes. It's all art as far as Julie is concerned.

I don't think this organizational expert is going to help if he keeps pretending this garbage could be part of her art. He just isn't as experienced as other hoarding experts. Not yet. 

Julie is mad as hell at the mice that made a home in her favorite chair. 

Storage Wars, A&E? Jeez. Things are getting crazy out there in TV land. 

Julie is just claiming everything is an art piece. 

Her husband John seems so normal. "It's hard to support craziness." He says about his fair lady of hoard. I bet they have a healthy sex life. 

THE REAL REASON JULIE CAN'T LET GO. Julie's husband made her give a baby up for adoption. She didn't want to. So now she's keeping things so she can feel under control. Julie figured that out on her own. Our experts didn't do it.

No more junk for Julie. YAY, Julie!


Melissa Miller said...

"Al better not get his kid back. Don't help him get his kid back he's a lunatic."

Absolutely. I need a little more back story on Al. Why did he have such a hot wife? Was he always crazy or did he go crazy after she died?

Also, I got a total "teacher from Billy Madison who ate the paste" vibe from the woman hoarder.

Reverend Awesome said...

Yeah, there were no pictures showing his previous hotness so I don't get the hot wife. And she was just living in hoard. So it wasn't her death that drove him to hoard. It was just something he was born with.

HAHA! Yeah, she has paste eater written all over her.

Anonymous said...


Gary's third pottery blog said...

I know what its like, one day you wake up and there is a hobo living in your basement, or a sock monkey in your closet in my case....

Jyl said...

I'm more concerned about the gun he found in the dumpster! Who does that besides murderers? AL IS GOING TO GET FRAMED!

Jyl said...

Also, the ginger talking with his eyes closed is scaring me.

Jyl said...

"The only house that has solid objects drip"


Reverend Awesome said...

Yeah, I think Al is on a perpetual acid trip. He seemed like a fun guy to sit and chat with, until you think about the fact that he goes a year without bathing.

I think the ginger friend is in secret love with him. I mean, he talked about the lack of showering with such infatuation. I could have been misinterpreting his weird voice with love though.

Jyl said...

Also noted: The sign is pink. They kept calling it red. Or am I colorblind?

And: There are many teachers on this program it seems, hoarding stuff for "class projects." I think the politicians need to be more aware of what the education budget cuts are doing! They're creating the hoarders!

Erin from Boston said...

Al was welding shirtless! not a smart idea with all that chest hair and the hobo beard. he kinda looked like he was totally gonna eat the fruit fly pie until tonya let him know how wrong it was. also, that outfit that Al had on when he jumped in the dumpster was pretty clean. i'd make him a level 6 hoarder because he's willing to dumpster dive in his good clothes!

Reverend Awesome said...

I think Al was remembering the good ole days. You know, when the sign that said his home was uninhabitable was red.

Let's go ahead and decide right here and now that Al is officially a Level 6 hoarder. Who's going to tell us he isn't? We are official professional hoarder watchers.

Melissa Miller said...

His ginge friend was SO weird. I didn't even understand what he was saying so I only learned he went w year without bathing by reading your Ginge-to-English translation. CREEPY. That poor, poor boy. I hope he doesn't have to go back with Crazy Train Al.

jpotelli said...

Hoard level equation: Number of dead animals divided by 5. Number may also be derived by number of asthma-inhaler hits required just from watching the show.

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