Monday, October 25, 2010

Hoarders: Tami + George

Looks like I missed a rerun of Vulva. I don't think I could sit through her again. I honestly don't.

Mary Lynn, North Carolina
She's 53, on disability and she wears scrunchies! "I live in a house, but it's not a house." well, that's true, it's a trailer.

Jacob is her 14 year old son. Will she have a husband? Will he be her fill-in husband? That is always sooo super creepy. It makes me feel ill.

Jacob told the doctor about his mom and got them to call child protective services. CPS as they keep referring to it as its acronym.

Mary Lynn also has old kids. A 28 year old daughter with perfectly tweezed eyebrows just showed up. And another one! When they were young their mom was like Donna Reed. Her husband left her and that's when she lost her marbles and started wearing scrunchies and age inappropriate sundresses.

Mary Lynn says Jacob is a rebel. He has anger issues. He pushes and threatens her. He's said he wants to commit suicide. Yeah, it's cuz of you! The hoarder is only worried about herself. "He's destroying me everyday." Well guess what, Hoarder? You've been destroying his everyday and you are his mother. You're supposed to be taking care of him. She's saying her son makes her life hell! God. I hate this woman. She called her son a maladaptive. He doesn't want to live in filth. That means he's normal.

She's just hoarding some empty "organization boxes" those are commonly just referred to as "boxes." Organization boxes must be the scientific name. 

Her son is just a huge fan of "noncompliance." That's all he does all the time. He's ruining his mother's life. No, it's not the garbage. It's her jerk son. She is just in LOVE with saying noncompliance. 

Why the Hoarder is keeping things: "I've had that forever and ever and it's an antique and I love it. I'm going to use it.""I'm going to keep it. It's a very unusual lamp. (Do you need a lamp?) I don't know yet." "I really like it. What is your problem with this lamp? I love it." "A lamp over my family? I think you're being unreasonable." P.S. The lamp was a touch lamp looking chandelier. "I've looked down more times than you know." "I'm steadily doing this what do you want me to do?"

She hates her kids. That's as hard to watch as kids filling in for husbands.

Hoarding expert is talking Mary Lynn down from a panic attack. I think this is sort of like how people in the 60's had people guiding their lsd trips.

IT WAS A SCALE OF 1-10 YOU CAN'T BE A 15! This is like on Maury when people make up percentages. You can't be a 1010% sure! You can be 100 percent or 0. Speaking of which, my niece met my brother in his garage when he got home and told him she needed his volume at 0 because the cat was sleeping.

Mary Lynn is telling her kids to read their bible. Now she's bringing Jesus into this. I guess it doesn't have to be Jesus. It could be any of the cast of characters of the bible.

She's getting rid of a hutch!! Good for her. No one needs hutches in this day and age do they? Seriously. I want to know if people still get hutches. In my mind they don't.

Now her house is so fancy she has a pussy willow bouquet in her bathroom.

Jacob is staying with his evil Mom. I don't know if that's a good idea, Jake.

Mary Lynn has worked with other hoarding experts and they all quit because she wouldn't throw anything away. She's also refusing aftercare therapy. Jacob called CPS on her again.

Ingrid, Illinois. 58. She's an administrative assistant. She doesn't mind her garbage because it's just her.

When she goes to someone else's house she notices when it's messy!! "If there's a denial scale. Like a 1-10 denial scale." She's hovering at a 9.5." -Hoarders brother.

Shes' a HSN and QVC addict! "They make it so easy. Of course." Other things are less boring out there, Hoarders. Leave the house. I promise you'll find something better out there than your garbage.

Ingrid is wearing some GORGEOUS jewelry. Obvious Home Shopping Network purchases. She's wearing pearls. The bitch is classy. They are just a twinkling. Sunglasses on top of her head. A bold fashion choice. And layered sweaters, one tie-dyed blue and the other pink. She would fit right in on the set of Golden Girls. CAPRI PANTS! That's how she can make her turn around. She can say, "from this day forth I will leave like a Golden Girl." Build her a lanai.

Her son is very concerned about his mom. She doesn't give a rat's ass. Her son looks like an Ewok!

Ingrid hasn't bathed since last August. Well, sure. That's reasonable. Probably just gives herself trucker baths.

She has an "alcove" where she sleeps. It's nice to have a place to call your own, an alcove. Who needs bedrooms? Get cozy and curl up in a corner. Snuggle with your rodent friends.

Still Ingrid has the sunglasses on her head. Love it!

"There is mice poop on everything. It's covered." Matt Paxton, earth angel. As a rule Matt Paxton doesn't take a poop on a gift and give it to anyone. That's why we love you, Matt! You say the things the rest of us are thinking. Don't give people poop gifts.

The things on teh wall can be saved but the rest is covered and feces and urine. I bet that santa hat once had urine on it and look what a treasure that is! "If it's covered in poop you can't keep it you can't sell it and you can't give it away and she doesn't see that yet." Matt Paxton.

Oh guess what Ingrid has "been looking for" oh just something that is totally covered in poop aka the best HSN purchase ever. That's all.

HSN purchases are not freedom explained the bun wearing hoarding expert. That should be in the constitution.

"If you live in a house full of mouse crap, and full of stuff infected with mouse crap..." that's what she's living in, mouse poop and mouse poop stuff.

Matt Paxton wears sunglasses on his face instead of his head when he's outdoors. "You can't disagree with math." Matt is such a star.

There are boxes and boxes of unopened QVC and HSN deliveries! Wouldn't the fun part be opening the boxes?

Things aren't looking good for Ingrid either. Bummer episode but full of Matt Paxton greatness.


JenB37 said...

I hate that Mary Lynn's hoarding expert called herself "Sue-zon".

That's not your real name lady.

It's SuzANNE or it's Susan. No one names their kid Suzonne. She made that up.

Reverend Awesome said...

I hate when people do that too!
You know it makes them feel like they are sooo fancy! Fake names aren't fancy.

Melissa Miller said...

Ummm that was a very unsatisfying episode. You're a longtime fan, Rev. Do they ever do a "Where are they now" episode of Hoarders? Like...are they great now? Or still living in poop. In any case, if I was Matt I would have slugged Ingrid, no matter HOW fabulous her sunglasses were!

Melissa Miller said...

Also, nice Freudian slip calling Vula Vulva. HA HA HA!

Reverend Awesome said...

I think they've done an episode like that before but it was pretty boring.

Leslie said...

Is a hutch like a china cabinet? I want a white china cabinet.. shabby chic bitches!

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