Yesterday I did the unthinkable. Well, for anyone that has ever had a conversation with me it was the unthinkable. We took a boat out into the freaking ocean. First let me tell you what made me decide to take this boat, their ad was hilarious! They are obviously out of their god damn minds and I loved it. HERE go to their website, have a look around. If you don't laugh you are dead inside. Don't just go to the main page, have a look around and be entertained. If I was going out into the ocean these were going to be the guys to take me and they did.
We left from Hanalei, home of Puff the Magic Dragon. You would think there would be Puff references/souvenirs all over the place, there weren't. Just chilled out people. And yes, some people puffing the magic dragon. When we got off the boat a couple guys were smoking a joint on a beach and when we walked by they blew out their hit and said, "life is good." Anyways, back to the boat.
Our captain kept referring to himself as Capt. Melanoma and would hold up his fist and say "FRECKLE POWER!" Yep. He was awesome. We went into caves. He pointed out an area where hippies live, grow weed and just generally hippy out. We saw some dolphins doing their fancy dolphin shit. We went into tunnels. I loaded up on dramamine so I didn't feel sick. YAY!
Then we got to a reef and it was snorkel time. Oh shit. I was freaking. Then they pulled out some fun noodles. They said "Does anyone need one of these?" and I threw my hand up and said, "ME!" and some lady laughed at me as if I was a fool for wanting to not worry about swimming in the ocean. I saw you go get your fun noodle later, lady. At least I'm not ashamed of my weakness.
I was going to do it. I jumped in. I looked down. A GOD DAMN TURTLE! NO! Fuck that. No way. I started flipping out. "No way. No way. What am I doing out here? Oh my god. This is sickening! There is a giant turtle down there, Scott. NO! Why are we in the ocean!?" And he said, "You can go back in the boat it's okay." "No. I'm out. I'm doing it." I didn't look down for another 10 minutes or so. Waited to catch my breath, but I did it! I looked down. I saw fish. Pretty fish. My eyes were probably as wide as saucers. I'm telling you, I was so proud of myself. I made the ocean my bitch! No. Not really, but we made peace with each other and I will still live in fear and reverence of it.
Also, there were people from Des Moines on the tour! What the hell?! People from Iowa know the good tours to take. The Midwest is full of smart people...and idiots. We have loads of idiots, but they weren't on the tour. They were back in Iowa posting asinine things on facebook. (No one I am friends with, guys. Don't worry that it was you.)
That was yesterday and today had other adventures, but this blog is long enough and Goonies is on.