Monday, September 27, 2010

Hoarders: Vula + Lisa

Again, the worst hoard they've ever seen. "PILE OF SADNESS!"

Vula, 72, housewife and son raiser. She lives in Indiana. KOKOMO, Indiana. Indiana seems like a good state for hoarders. I bet they have loads of them.

David, 53. This is Vula's son. CAT FECES EVERYWHERE. Don't live a life with cat feces everywhere. That's how you should chose not to live your life. Make that a goal right now.

There's something off with Vula's body. Like she has one giant arm and one not giant arm. She also has a thin person head, but she's not thin.

Piles of garbage are sort of moving with baby kittens. They say they love the cats. You don't love cats if you let them live in their garbage and cat carcasses. You hate cats if you do that. This is kitty hell and you are the devil. There is crap all over the place. All over everything.

Vula loves Good Will. She loves bargains. She considers going to Good Will a hunt. A chase for bargains. Bargains don't really put up much of a fight at Good Will. They're kind of easy to come by.

"Indian art is very collectible." Hoarder. I bet she has a crap load of wolf t-shirts.

Do you guys think they get bonuses for how many times they say "cat feces"?

Vula is an extreme hoarder with a toxic house. Hoarding experts declared it so. She is also declaring that hoarders numb to the mess.

On the stove it's either grease or feces. She doesn't know. There are turds everywhere. There are turds on top of the hutch. Do you guys have hutches? We used to growing up but I don't see many people having hutches anymore.

Vula maybe is the grossest! God. I don't even know anymore. What compares to 6 foot piles of poop? Maybe Vula.

The mouthy clean up guy is there. I'm okay with that though. I think someone needs to be mouthy with the hoarders. Stop coddling hoarders.

I wonder how far into the numbing you have to be where you think it's okay that every damn thing in your house is covered in shit. Dead cats just flattened in corners.

Vula thinks nothing is her fault. None of it. She blames everyone for her living in cat feces.

The clutter cleaners have failed to get enough cats out of the house. Everything in the house is biohazard.

What is an amazing surprise? OH tiny live kittens. Little newborns less than a day old. They saved the baby kittens! YAY CLEAN UP CREW!

Seriously, what is up with Vula's giant arm? She just had a shit fit about a garbage bag. She says she's going to "have class" with the clean up crew. That's hoarder speak for schooling them.

Clean up guy "I've got a bag of dead cats already!" HAHA! Vula's response, "fuck you!" Whoa. Then she called him sonny.

36 cats and 13 were dead cats. And there is a poop corner behind the TV. Huge poop pile. The hoarder thinks this cat feces house is the highlight of the clean-up crews year. I don't think it is. I really don't.

Lisa, 31 and an elementary school teacher in Utah.

She lives a secret hoarder life. She just sits atop a throne of garbage and types on her MAC! Yeah, she's got a Mac. Why does this hoarder get an awesome computer? I bet she's also an e-hoarder.

Lisa has a boyfriend, Eric. He's been to her house twice.

She thinks her Mom rubs the hoarding wound with salt. Lisa's really mad because her Mom gave her a book called the gift of nothing? I don't know. There was a story but it was too weird for me to comprehend.

*Commercial commentary* I think it's weird K-Mart still exists. I've said it before and I'm saying it again. Also, there is some weird infomercial commercial for Nestle products. It's almost like they're pretending to be nutritionists.

Scott Hanna (sp) is the hoarding expert. He's a bit dour. I think he's experienced hoarder numbing himself.

Well it turns out Lisa is a toaster hoarder. Her and her sister are fun time cleaners. Her mom is a bitchy cleaner.

There are some sort of photos. Naked photos? Oh no. It's photos of her mom's hoarding house. Yep, her Mom is a super hoarder. She says that the hoarding is not representative of her. HOARDING IS GENETIC and learned! The ol' chicken and the egg.

I don't know why they sort of played sexy-time music when they walked into her clean house. I get that she's with her boyfriend, but I don't need to think of their sexy times.


Anchors said...

Awesome synopsis!

Bad Fish said...

You are not amusing. Stop trying. Or start trying, rather.

Reverend Awesome said...

Well, this morning I took a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. I asked myself, "Who are you writing this blog for? Are you doing it because you're obsessed with yourself or are you doing it for Bad Fish?" Obviously, the answer was Bad Fish. How could I let you down?
How did I let it come to this. So I decided right then and there that I was going to live my life in a way that would both amuse and make Bad Fish proud. I kissed my finger, pointed and the sky and whispered, "This one's for Bad Fish."
My sincerest apologies for wasting your precious time.

ChicagoNorth said...

HAHAHA! Awesome. And there are NO hoarders in the lovely state of IOWA, right? Iowa. What the hell does one do to occupy their time in Iowa, anyway? OH, wait...they write extremely eloquent musings from their MACS while watching their plasmas atop their high rises...actively boycotting hutches everywhere.

Shallow thoughts, indeed. Keep blogging...and keep close thy thesaurus.

Reverend Awesome said...

I also drink and watch a lot of TV. I mean, that's something, right? I'm not collecting garbage so in my mind I'm doing okay for myself.
There are mos def some hoarders in Iowa. In fact I've been to the home of a hoarder! I've never seen so many artificial flowers and sombreros.
There has been a hoarder on Hoarders from Iowa. Let me see...
There! And there's also a picture of a real live hoarder house.

Riri Paav said...

So, last night my roommates and i were gathered around our superfluous flatscreen LED television, in our practically-iowa estate, audibly gagging while watching this episode. (Most of my roommates are dudes.)
However, we all had to work or live or clean the hutch we own or something, so we left before the final twenty minutes with the sea-urchin Vula. And today I was like, "Chief! See if OnDemand has that episode yet!" No. Fuckers. So Googling Googling Googling...On my DELL! Found this.
My roommate is still crying from laughing after I dramatically read your post aloud.
Thank you! And you are a funny bitch!

George and Maureen Johnson said...

Hoarders are truly fascinating for sure. I have been in their homes as you know. I will tell you if Aliens ever do come here and report back I am unsure just what their findings would be. It is something to ponder for sure. If you ever have the misfortune of being in their homes you will then see what I have seen. I was so overwhelmed, I was speechless, and let me tell you that rarely ever happens. LOL
There are millions of them, that is what astounded me.

Reverend Awesome said...

Thanks, Riri! I understand, sometimes life gets in the way of watching people living in filth. Kudos to you for keeping your hutch shit-free! You and your roomies should be proud of yourselves. I know I'm proud of you.

A&E has the episode up on their website now.
If you're still itching to see how Vula ended up. (It was sooo hard not typing Vulva last night. What kinda of name is that? Of course she's a hoarder.)

Did they say why she had one giant arm and one less giant arm and I just missed it?

Reverend Awesome said...

Maureen, my mom works with a couple of hoarders. She does in-home care for elderly people that don't want to stay at nursing homes. She can't get them to throw away expired food. They just think they're going to need it!

Riri Paav said...

FUCKING AWESOME!! can't wait to watch that episode, again. i'll probably puke but it'll be worth it.

also, the arm thing is apparently from when she fell and shattered her elbow.. i don't know. his kid was talking and i was half-listening.

Tiffany said...

The slimy cat poo on everything, EVERYTHING! I'm amazed she didn't slip and bash her skull open.

Who knows if Vula had empty nest syndrome or just hated house work. The second my son's out of the house, I will not be a hoarder, I will get 1 dog. :-)

Lisa's mom was strange, for sure.
Lisa had good taste and thankfully no massive piles of poo, fleas, etc, I think her family gave her a lot of baggage and this 'secret' was her stress reliever.

If I was there, I would have lined up the dead cats & kittens and see how many feet of death. Even that wouldn't have penetrated her thick skull.

Reverend Awesome said...

The little dust bin dead cat was extra gross. Vula was a cagey bitch. It would be hard to help someone that is such an asshole.

Thank you for the info on her arm situation. I totally missed any mention of it so instead I just kept shouting "What is wrong with her body! No. For real. What is going on?!" Both Scott and the TV refused to answer.

Tiffany said...

Yes, they said she fell earlier and hurt/broke her elbow and I hope that never happens to me, b/c it looks like you have elephantitus (sp).

Gary's third pottery blog said...

and there is BAD FISH! Going over into the corner to take a little poo on the floor of your blog, because the f**ker has nothing better to do than come to YOUR BLOG and make a sh!tty remark, f**k you fish! :)

JEN said...

well said! I had to join the facebook group now "Arrest Vula from Hoaders".

jpotelli said...

Hi. Watched Vula on Hoarders last night (delayed from Tivo). Yes, I Tivo Hoarders, though I don't hoard episodes. My Mom is a hoarder and I have to fight the tendency at times.

Wanted to do a followup on Vula, and your site was the FIRST Bing result on Hoarders Vula. Congratulations. Bookmarking your site now.

Reverend Awesome said...

Sometimes I fear I may be a digital hoarder. I justify it by saying it's just taking up memory space and not actual space.

Vula was one of the most disturbing hoarders.

I'm excited about the Bing news! When Bing first came out I tried searching for my blog (cuz that's the kind of person I am) and it found nothing. It was like Bing was refusing to acknowledge my existence. I'm glad it finally got it's act together.

Anonymous said...

I guess you will want to add a facebook button to your blog. I just marked down the url, however I must do it by hand. Simply my 2 cents.

Reverend Awesome said...

What do you mean?
You want to be my facebook friend? Request my friendship here:

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