This is what you've all been waiting for! More bits and pieces from me and Heath. We know how great we are.
What in the holy hell am I supposed to do with this?
We just got put on toilet duty for the party. TOILET DUTY.
John Bachman would call her a silly bitch on TV.
God is trying to tell her not to eat so much crap. He made it so she can’t eat ice cream without shitting herself. She would rather shit herself.
Get ready to cry.
I’m going to kick him in the lady business.
Hard to grab a hold of teets while they’re all folded in on each other. I just made myself sick.
People need to realize how easy it is to ignore their emails.
I think the next person who sends me an email with a red exclamation point, I’m going to give them a titty twister.
That story is not like watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. It does not get better on repeat viewings.
If everything that happens to you is an emergency, then it’s just the stuff that happens to you.
Holy cowboy hats! I love tiny head man and his giant bride!
I just dropped a chip down my shirt. God dammit. I’m a slob. At least I’m not someone that gets pissed over commas.
Fuck you, Tuesday.
I think he finds himself not annoying. He’s wrong.
I hope I am soon the subject of a crazy old man tweet.
I’m about to pee my pants. I’m coming over.
She loves her fellow turtleneck enthusiasts with terrible social skills.
Fuck this logo. Zero kittens.
Is it because she’s trying to fit all her secrets into a carryon bag? I don’t even think they allow secrets on planes anymore.
That body is perfect. Perfect as a comparison to her. That’s certainly not a perfect body.