Monday, March 1, 2010

Hoarders: Recapping with the Captain

FINALLY! Last week's episode was a rerun. Total bullshit move. My regular television viewing was all awry due to the Olympics and A&E deciding to just go ahead and ruin my life (my Monday night life).

We're back though. Thank the lord. We're back with an extra special episode. Just ONE hoarder. You know what that means? She is going to be a train wreck. YAY! *Fingers crossed for poop*

Oh and for people that don't follow all my interactions on the facebook, I'll be recapping 16 and Pregnant starting this week at Jessica's request. She didn't request the show itself, so don't go judging her. I gave her a list. Reading about 16 and Pregnant is the best way to watch. Well, except for me. I'll watch. It's what I do. Something for everyone to look forward to reading.

Claudie-Peoria, IL 58 yrs. old. 12 CHILDREN!

Sorta think Claudie was alluding to the fact that she's accumulating children. Sort of a wink-nudge-I'm-hoarding-kids look on her face. She certainly wasn't hoarding birth control.

Black family! I think there has been one other black person, the gay guy with cool stuff. Too much cool stuff. I think it must be mostly white people that hoard. God we are disgusting!

Jim's (her husband) hair freaking rules!! A white flattop. All puffed up. Jim intrigues me. He's on something. Not sure what.

Okay. I'm not going to keep track of a freaking dozen kids. I'll call them all kid, male or female kid. We've only met daughters so far though.

They staged a cleaning revolution when their Mom left the house. The kids and her husband. Tried to clean it up while she was out. She called them cops on them for moving her stuff.

I love when people say "ewww weeee."

Jim ran away! Her husband just up and left. They had flyers up and everything. They found him 12 days later in Vegas. He wants a divorce because she loves to live in trash. Who could blame the man.

Oh shit. She had to leave her house! It got so messy she is now living in a homeless shelter. Her daughters are all normal looking. Really put together and their mom is a hobo and looks the part of a hobo.

Jim will come home if she gets the house clean and her head straight. I wonder what will be in this house. We've only really just seen the surface of the garbage.

"Vanish! YES! From the face of the Earth!" Hoarders husband.

Tonya Harding hoarding specialist. A&E must know we love her and bun lady best.

Jim is just in the house out of the clear blue sky. Playing the god damn organ. Bold move, buddy. He has an Indiana Jones like hat on. Jim is a player. You can tell. Some sort of a crack head player. I don't mean player like organ player. player like playa.

She is giggling like a school girl giving Jim a hug. Play a little hard to get, Claudie.

She calls a room a junk room. The entire house is a junk room!

What in holy hell is going on in that fridge?! Everything in the fridge has turned black.

Jim is crying. He's been chillin in Vegas for years. What does he have to cry about?

I love all the soap commercials! They know how disgusting we all feel. I'm onto you Lysol!

She is all about blaming her husband. Bitch you weren't cleaning when he was there. You were calling the cops on cleaning.

AND a black Professional Organizing Expert! eeww weee

I thinking hoarding might begin with stuffed animals. All these hoarders have them.

OH hoarder is on a roll. That will end soon. Kids are so pumped.

Jim is a charmer.

There's Jesus on the wall! A picture of Jesus. They have a white Jesus. If you were wondering...

Well Jim was smoking up in the back yard. Let Jim chill. Don't worry about it.

I think Jim is just going along with this to be nice. To get her house clean. He told her to shush cuz the cameras are rolling!

Really we haven't gotten INTO the garbage yet. This is mostly family drama. Jim said his plans "sorta" involved Claudie. Claudie's eyes just keep bugging out! She can see into your soul.

All daughters. At least the ones that showed up. Maybe the men ALL ran off to Vegas.

Claudie is trying to say neighbor kids broke in and scattered things around! The crime of hoarding up someone's house. 37 worth of garbage as a prank. Damn, kids.

"Hoarding has destroyed your family, Mama" Hoarders Kid

Claudie Quotes
"Next time I'm a take a sock you wit my fist bust you in your damn mouth" to her daughter.
"Don't yell at me, ho!" to her daughter.
"You got me on camera to shame me" to her daughters.

You brought these people in to shame me! My husband is a tramp! Now she's just standing there staring down her daughters like she's ready to fight.

Shit just got real. Jim walked in.

Jim's excuses for having to go back to Vegas
"I like to read. I got books to read," "I'm a guy that likes hot weather." "I'm a herbologist." "We have to let the lord work it out."
Herbologist means he grows weed right? I mean what else could it be?

HOLY FUCK! This is the craziest/greatest thing I've seen on Hoarders. Claudine, the hoarder. Wearing a freaking Tupac, All Eyez On Me shirt!! NO!!!!! OH MY GOD.

Theey got the house clean. It's still pretty crappy. Like super crappy.

Let's face it. Jim is a star. He's got to go to Vegas. Take care of business. Shake a few hands and adios! It'll take 15 minutes not 2 minutes.

Claudie is just addicted to Jim. He stayed in Vegas with his dentures. Claudie moved back to the homeless shelter. She also had a falling out with a few of her kids after the episode wrapped.

Amazing episode. I'm happy hoarding doesn't happen exclusively to white people.


c said...

i just finished watching this episode. it was absolutely awesomesauce and your post was freaking hilarious. i vote for a spinoff show that features this family exclusively. how's that for shame, claudie?

Becky Jo said...

Oh my... this was not a happy ending Hoarders? They still split up and the house is still a pit? I guess I understand why there was only one family on this episode. How strange, and yet, I'm intrigued. Perhaps I'll watch it today. :)

Reverend Awesome said...

I agree. A spin off would be awesome! They reminded me of Bobby B and Whitney, but, you know, hobos.

Yes, Becky. Watch it.

Reverend Awesome said...

Oh and I think we can all agree, Jim's got the magic stick.

Both Sides of Ben Marlan said...

im guessing its a tv show. going to look it up. holy crap - not sure what to say. does everyone hoard though?
im going to hoard annoying kitties. then make a big soup

Reverend Awesome said...

YES, BEN! You must look it up. Your mind will be blown.

That soup sounds tasty.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to have to watch this one! Jim just might be my new hero! Looking forward to 16 and pregnant.... (forgot my password again.)

Reverend Awesome said...

Jim was/is amazing! The second he hit the screen I was mesmerized.

I have 16 and Pregnant DVRed. Totally ready to recap.

Tiffany said...

Usually I am very pro-sympathy for these people and their pain, but this one was a doozy!!

I had a feeling he was a playa (with some possible drug connections) = "take care of some business" "shake some hands".

Everything in her house is trash, now her house is barren, her husband won't come back to help with the house, she is mean to her children, and she's in a homeless shelter. Success.

Reverend Awesome said...

It really was! Jim had the crazy eyes going. Just in the house, playing the organ. That's not something that someone that isn't completely off their rocker does. Shows up after over a decade and tra-la-la playing a tune.

Don't forget, Jim also had "books to read."

Tiffany said...

I totally figured it out. The reason Jim left all of a sudden?, that is - it all goes back to the fridge covered in er...mold or something. He got damn sick and tired of trying to get his condiments and almost getting the plague, so he packed up, went to Vegas. I should be a psychologist!

Reverend Awesome said...

Hoarders makes me feel like I can diagnose people too! That and growing up listening to Love Line.
I'm always declaring what I think is wrong with people.
I should be certified in assumptions.

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