I watch bad TV so you don't have to.
Valerie. 15. Pregnant.
She's adopted. Her parents have brought home 98 foster kids. Hmmm. Don't know how she ended up pregnant at 15. Clearly her parents had enough time to devote to all these children and teach them all they need to know to survive this world.
Her boyfriend, Matt, decided he needed a break after he found out Valerie was pregnant. How convenient for him. Give him his space. Think of your teen relationships. You thought they were all going to last forever. You couldn't imagine that wasn't the person you would spend the rest of your life with. You see. Teens are fucking dumb. I was dumb. We were all dumb. She's a teen. Really goes without saying...
Parents, stop naming your kids Nevaeh. Heaven spelled backwards. It's the newest thing in baby naming. You know how in some classrooms there were kids that had to go by their first name and last initial? That will be Nevaeh. That name blew up.
Matt is beat boxing in his truck with his friend. He's also decided he needs to get a paternity test. Which his friend called a "fraternity test." Yep. Mature enough to be parents. Obviously.
"We had sex a lot and it was unprotected. You know it's your baby." I know who's going on Maury soon!
I do like the graphics on 16 and Pregnant. So it has that going for it.
"Call the doctor. Are you retarded? You don't do anything!" Teen Mom to her Mom. Well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a retard. Went to the hospital. False alarm.
WHOA. Teen Mom's Mom has giant breasts. They are sort of just resting on her lap.
"If the baby aint born don't bother to call me back because I don't want anything to do with you." Matt's message to Valerie. She finally admitted that he's not fit to be a dad. Oh all that unprotected sex. Protect yourself against beat boxers!
Here we go. The question on everyone's mind. Does your vagina go back to normal after having a baby. Doctor says it does. I don't buy it.
HAHA! Matt has decided he wants to "step up" and be a father. He's moving away. He can't sit around and wait for things to happen. He has to make it happen. That means moving 200 miles away from his child. Okay. Matt's right. That's probably best for this baby.
Valerie's in labor. Her dad is so excited about it he forgot his teeth at home. Classy.
Nevaeh possibly breathed in her own poop in the womb! Oh lord. These are the things that people don't tell you about. Babies breathing poop.
Matt is just down there staring at her vagina watching the baby come out. I don't think I would care for that.
Oh my god. They had to airlift the baby out of the hospital. She took a turn for the worse and wasn't getting enough oxygen. Let's hope this turns out fine or this will be an uncomfortable recap.
Whew. She's fine. Matt's back off to Delaware. Valerie still foolishly thinks he's going to be an okay dad.
Matt decided to grow an amish beard while he was away in Delaware for a month. Matt's still finding himself. Is he amish? Is he a beat boxer? He's none of these. He's a stupid teen. "I'm just looking for that above the table job with benefits." The dude is beat boxing at Nevaeh.
Valerie is actually a really sweet Mom. Self aware enough to know that seeing a teen mom before being a teen mom, she would be judging her. I bet when we inevitably see her on Teen Mom she'll be doing okay.