Monday, February 15, 2010

Hoarders ReCCaping

It's Monday. Time for Hoarders!

The Hoarder's commercial is weird. It ends with a black backdrop and two parakeets in a cage while it reminds you Hoarders is on next.

Dennis and Nadind-Cleveland, OH Dennis=Retired Police Officer Nadine=Dennis' wife

"We aren't so much hoarders as we outgrew the house"

Heather (their daughter) DOES NOT look 33. She looks like a 13 year old street urchin. She lived abroad for a few years. She has some sort of accent. She's like Madonna. She acquired an accent overseas.

St. Paddy's Day green. That is how this man described his phlegm. Don't say that on T.V. grown people.

Dennis collects sports memorabilia and...oh yeah...GUNS. He has an arsenal. Dennis wants to kill himself or his wife. Or he wants her to kill herself. Dennis really isn't the lovable kind of hoarder.

Porceien dolls. What sort of sicko can even stomach having those things in their house? Leering at you. Silently mocking.

Tonya Harding Dream Talker Hoarding Expert.

The husband hasn't been in his kitchen this decade. He just stays in the bedroom. The floor in the kitchen IS MOVING! The wife calls the kitchen, "not very tidy." Do you ever watch the BBC show "How Clean Is Your House"? They always get down and smell the pee.

100+Knives and Guns in the house.

Fuck this kid and her accent. I'm not amused anymore. She seems to think she's also a hoarding expert. Your fake accent doesn't make you an expert, keeping a recap of Hoarders does.

Certified Professional Organizer. She is really trying to talk herself up here. I'm Certified Professionally Awesome. My cat signed my certificate.

Guns hidden inside books and canes.

This wife lady sounds like she would have bad breath. Probably started smoking when she was 8. Buys herself men's shorts and thinks it's hilarious. It's not.

This broad is just vile. No wonder her daughter wants to pretend to be English. Ohhh Heather used to hit herself in the head. Used to?! There she goes. She's doing it.

"Can you bring me a pickle?" "No. I can't bring you a pickle. I'm in a pickle" HAHAHA! The husband, mid fight, requested a pickle.

I see Hoarder boob. Put a shirt on, dude.

Wood paneling. Typical hoarder decor.

OH NO! The poop! There it was!

"There's black sewer crap coming" Wow. The sewage close-ups were completely unnecessary.

Malinda and Erin-South Carolina Malinda=Teacher Erin=Cashier They live with their mom. She's a hoarder as well.

It appears they have outdoor carpeting indoors.

CATS! WILL THERE BE POOP?! They have 10 in their tiny house.

Stop showing their gross toenails!! Yikes.

The Christmas tree is up. I wonder what compels the hoarders to put up a tree in that level of filth.

They love to buy stuffed animals. 700 stuffed animals for one girl. The mom loves them too. Their favorite thing to hoard. Get it together, ladies.

Three women, all living together, hoarding, having their periods.

The house is killing your mother! But my question is, where are these cats?

Another Certified Professional Organizer. I bet they got their degrees at the University of Phoenix online.

A favorite cat has gone missing. The mother thinks it's because their cleaning and he won't trust her anymore. Where is all the cat poop I assumed we would find?

I love the Hoarder's shirt. A cartoon kitty with a sideways cap on that says "Born to be Bad."

Malinda was sleeping on bugs. Bugs in her mattress. She doesn't give a shit. She's worried about her stuffed animals from the trash.

They are raking the house. There are bugs in everything. They're living on contamination and bugs. They are loving to say "contaminated."

There house isn't totally clean. They think they can keep moving forward with the cleaning. I hope so. Sooo many stuffed animals. And still no sign of those cats...

Question of the week:
What kind of music do you think Hoarders listen to? Do you think Hoarders listen to Lady Gaga? Boyz II Men?

P.S. I missed the poop too.


Anonymous said...

Pickle comment was the funniest thing I've seen! And Hoarders listen to NKOTB - did you notice the "curtain" by the front door?

Becky Jo said...

I'd say sometimes I'm so intrigued that I watch an episode of Hoarders that you've recapped. Not this time, and it's not because I'm not intrigued. I'm kind of grossed out with the bugs and the semi-suicidal/homocidal Dennis. I'm just going to trust that you're a Hoarding expert and I don't NEED to watch the actual show. :)

Reverend Awesome said...

NKOTB. Good call. I bet they listen to their slow jams. Like "Please Don't Go, Girl" and...whatever other slow jam NKOTB had.

Asking for a pickle in the middle of a serious fight/conversation should be everyone's new thing.

You don't need to watch the show, Becky. But I don't discourage it. You have to see the pickle scene.

Gary's third pottery blog said...

I am guessing hoarders listen to Engelburt Humperdink. And probably Celine Dion too!

Reverend Awesome said...

They listen to the theme from Titanic, stand atop of their pile of poop and trash and declare themselves, "King of the World!"

Carbon_13 said...

Holy have no idea how much laughing I do when I read this. Thanks for that!

Reverend Awesome said...

My pleasure! It gives me a sense of purpose.

Anonymous said...

Perfect!Great! This helped so much! I've seen a few
rather confusing blogs lately, this cleared up some confusion I had.

Reverend Awesome said...

Excellent. This is why I consider myself a Certified Professional Hoarder Recap Expert.

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!

Reverend Awesome said...

YES! This is the site to visit for important Hoarders information.

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