Monday, February 8, 2010

Hoarders: The Recap

Hello, Becky Jo and Carbon underscore 13! (and anyone else that chooses to read) Welcome to your Hoarders recap/though provoking insights. Will there be poop? That's the question on everyone's mind.

Doug–Milwaukee, WI adopted kids. Special needs son. Oh shit...this will be a rough recap.

His adopted son was born addicted to coke. Reaction Attachment Disorder, fits and outbursts. Oh holy crap. The boy is beating the crap out of everyone. His sister, Doug. The hoarding is making the boy sicker. For having a kid in the house that likes the throw things he makes it easy to find plastic chairs and crap toss around. OH MAN. The boy just gnawed on his Dad's arm!

There's something off about this guy's face.

Is Myron Doug's boyfriend?

Just blew snot onto his Dad's arm! NO! NO! NO! This is worse than poop.

Why is his son wearing a giant winter jacket inside? Makes me hot just looking at him. That probably makes him feel even more trapped. It's all puffy.

Does this kid even have special needs? I think he's just a big time hater of hoarding. He's fine everywhere else.

He's given up on making a path for his daughter to get into bed. Why did he adopt those kids just to have them living in this? That's cruel.

This guy is also calling himself a micro-manager. Last week a perfectionist and this week a filthy micro-manager.

Doug won't throw away dolls. He's trying to pin it on his daughter and she was totally cool with throwing them away. Oh Doug.

PEE. The kids room smells like pee. Because they wet their beds. Oh god. Urine mattress. Poor kids.

Kids are home. Nate hasn't beaten anyone yet. Oh. There we go. The house is clean though.

Now Nate isn't throwing things, but he's cursing like a sailor...It's a step in the right direction.

June from Cali. She's a full-time student and social worker assistant.

June was a teen mom! She got pregnant at 14.

She lives in a trailer that was left to her by her Grandma. That's a sad inheritance.

She has Rainbow Brights, pencils with emotional attachments, sentimental value on cat clocks.

Her daughter is 13. Her name is TORI! Tori knows her Mom is a weirdo. She wants out at 18.

It's the Tonya Harding look-alike hoarding specialist. She talks in a weirdly soft voice. Sort of like how people talk in my dreams. It's both soothing and unsettling. Whisper talking.

Popples! Fuck I loved those things. I had Party Popple. They were your cuddly friend that you could also kick around like a ball.

"My Dad might want all of these since he has a camper." Hoarder

There are "Ask Dad" "Ask Cousin" piles. Pretty sure they are going to say "no thanks" on the garbage.

Uh oh. Tori is a hoarder!!! Keeping a shit ton of ill fitting clothes.

June's Mom, Tori's Grandmother is confessing that it might be her fault that her daughter (and now her Grandaughter) are hoarders. Ok. I blame you too just cuz of that weird kerchief you're wearing.

Tori is getting all snotty about her mom having emotional attachments to lamps. BUT Tori is doing the same thing!
"I'm a teenager. It doesn't matter how much my lamps match" Yes it does, Tori!

I really do think we're focusing a bit too much about the lamps.

Why is The Wolfman advertising so hard during Hoarders? It's like Hoarders sponsored by The Wolfman.

"We're having troubles with stuffed animals related to the past." Hoarding expert.

It's clean now. She has a boyfriend?! WTF? Where was he? He should have helped clean and explained why he dates a hoarder.
Next week a guy is hoarding guns. And he could snap.


Carbon_13 said...

Best recap ever...I thought the kid would affect the recap but of course I wasn't disappointed. That girl is totally still outta there on her 18th birthday.

Reverend Awesome said...

She'll get out of there, but guess what she will be left in her teen mom's will. DUN DUN DUN. The trailer! The cycle continues.

Reverend Awesome said...

That was the longest spam comment in the history of recorded time.

Becky Jo said...

Oh no. A trailer? That can never be good. Hoarding+trailers = sadness all around. I'm always happy, sort of, when you say that the places are clean at the end. I know they're cleanER, but really, clean? The episodes I've watched, their version of clean is my houses version of filthy... stained carpets, smoke stains on the walls etc. I still feel grubby after they 'clean' these places...

Still, a fantastic recap. Gracias!

Reverend Awesome said...

Yeah. "Clean" is kind of relative. By that I usually mean they aren't living atop of a 1' layer of poop.

Gary's third pottery blog said...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwww! I was looking at the nasty shack down the way (which one? there are so many out there) and noticing that when you are done hoarding crap inside you have to start hoarding crap OUTSIDE too, so that there is junk all over your yard, and I guess you sorta hope that it snows a lot so you don't have to look at their mess, right?

Reverend Awesome said...

Gary, some of these Hoarders hoard all the way out into their yard too! One guy was collecting scrap metal as some sort of investment.

Carbon_13 said...

And then it turned out not to be worth anything...poor guy.

Russ said...

Excellent, excellent synopsis. I enjoy your writing style. You should totally contribute on

You blew my mind when you called June's therapist a Tonya Harding clone because I just couldn't place her look, but you were dead-on-balls-accurate because she could have played Harding in any movie of the week!

As to your comment about the trailer being a sad inheritance, but I would point out that is one damn nice trailer, as trailers go.

I think Tori will rocket her way out the door on her 18th birthday (or much earlier if she can convince the court to emancipate her little ass), but I think that has a LOT less to do with the hoarding as it does with her mom treating her more like a sister than a daughter. The codependency was evident for the world to see, and it was shocking!

However, as to your utter surprise about June having a boyfriend, I must say that I wasn't nearly as shocked by that fact. I thought June was, in all actuality, very cute. She had gorgeous eyes, a beautiful smile, etc. She was a bit "hippy" and not very busty, but very cute! I'd date June in a heartbeat. In fact, if they had given her last name and town, I'd be tempted to look her up.

The hoarding would be a serious hurdle, but her penchant for smiling and laughing to mask emotional upset is totally workable. Hell, I've dated women a hell of a lot less well adjusted than that!!!!!

Oh, and Tori's hair color was absolutely gorgeous!!!

Russ said...

Also, when it comes to outdoor hoarding, as several of your commentors have mentioned, I'd just like to say that a yard on A&E's "Hoarders" could, the very next week it seems could be featured on History's "American Pickers"! Hahahahaha

I guess the old addage is true when they say "one man's trash is another man's treasure".

As a former antiquer, I can tell you that I LOVE happening upon a yard like that. In fact, as nasty as June and Doug's homes really were, I did spot several items of value in both houses.

But, for the sake of the mental and physical health of both of those families, it's for the best that even those few valuable items were gotten rid of.

At the very least, neither of those families had poop, rotten food, dead pets, etc. There have been far unhealthier homes featured on that show - that's for damn sure!

It's a damn shame that poor Doug ended up losing Nate anyway though. Almost made me misty. But the kid was pretty big and strong for an 8yo, and he was only getting bigger, stronger and meaner. If he was hitting, biting and snotting on people at 8yo, it was only going to get worse. So I guess it's best for all concerned that Nate is in a more structured and controlled setting. Only thing is Doug has to be wondering if things would have gone different for little Nate if he had cleaned up sooner. Poor guy - that's a load for any conscience to bear. :(

Reverend Awesome said...

Thanks for the comments, Russ. You seem to be as obsessed with Hoarders as I am.

Tori's Mom did treat her like a sibling rather than like a kid. It's rough. It seems to happen a lot with the kids of these hoarders. They have to take on the role of adult or sort of babysit their parent.

I wasn't shocked June had a boyfriend cuz of how she looked. I was shocked 1. cuz he didn't help clean up, but that could be a matter of not wanting to be on TV. 2. Cuz he's dating a hoarder. I don't think I could deal with that. Maybe they spend a lot of time at his place.
You sound like a trooper! Not many guys would put up with that. If I knew how to get in contact with her I'd totally try to hook you up. I don't have that sort of pull, doesn't mean I wouldn't give it a go.

I was stunned that Doug was able to adopt Nate. I thought they were pretty strict about that. I thought they visited the home and stuff. The snot was the absolute WORST! OH GOD. That was so nasty.

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