Thursday, October 1, 2009

Life Misconceptions

When I was younger I was confused about many things. A lot of things having to do with body parts and what have you. How doing it really works. The usual. I think probably every one was. If you say you weren’t then you’re a liar! Or probably had older siblings that sort of filled you in on the ways of the world. As the oldest I was a trailblazer. Not only did I break in my parents for my younger sister and brothers...You guys got to go out after dark. You little shits. You know who you have to thank for that? Me and all my sneaking out and wearing Mom and Dad down. You’re welcome. I also had to figure everything out for myself.

The first stop, vaginas. Well they rather confused me. I have one, always have. I just thought that mine probably wasn’t right as I saw the way people in movies were having sex and I didn’t think that would work out for me. I got that a penis was supposed to go in and everything. That I wasn’t confused about. It was where in God’s name it was supposed to go. Don’t worry, everyone. I’ve sorted out vaginas. Thank you.

Second thing. Kissing. Like the kissing couples do. I thought people smashed their faces together really hard and moved their heads all around. I knew your lips were supposed to meet and everything, but I thought that was just a focal point of face smashing. To horrify my mom let me tell you the story of what her first kiss was like. Dude blew in her mouth. Yes. He filled it up with air. See. Not the only confused person on this earth. I remember the time of her 10 year reunion we were sitting out on the deck and I was trying to convince her to go. She said she didn’t want to go because she didn’t want to see that guy because he might remember blowing in her mouth. Way to wreck a possibly fun reunion, weirdo.

After my first kiss I thought everyone would be able to tell that I kissed someone. I thought it clearly showed all over my face and that I better sit my parents down and tell them. I sat in my room forever wondering how I was going to break the news to them. Finally, I just let it go and kept it secret. No one was questioning why I had that slutty, been kissed look on my face so I was in the clear.

Oh and there was more. So much more. But we can save that shame for another time.

If you have any confusing life events, please share. Make me feel less alone.


Becky Jo said...

Now, I'm not going to say any incriminating names here, but my first kiss was awful. The guy tasted like B&J, Ramen noodles, and cigarettes. It was bad. My sister said that if I kissed this guy, I would probably end up being his girlfriend. Little did I know, that's not the way things really work out. :P

Reverend Awesome said...

Thanks for sharing, Becky. My first kiss was weird as hell. I was not expecting it. I too will refrain from using names, let's call him Fred, but the guy had a crush on my cousin (I think, it seemed that way).

So, my cousin started dating this other guy and it pissed Fred off. I didn't know what the hell was going on. I had no idea why the guys were mad at each other. (Yes. So clueless) Everyone was a couple years older than me. I was out of my element.
I was just walking around with my cousin and all the sudden I'm in the midst of a confrontation I didn't see coming.

Well, Fred just straight up punched the guy that my cousin was dating. Cousin and Dude left and I was just there. There and freaked. Punching, everyone was older than me and I was scared. Fred didn't ask, kissed me and rode off on his bike without a word. I walked home by myself. The end.

Becky Jo said...

Awww. That sucks just as bad as mine. Stupid first kisses. I don't know of anyone that had a good first kiss experience.

Reverend Awesome said...

Me either. I mean look at my Mom's!
We should ask around. I want to find someone with a good experience.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

nobody kisses better than my wife, NOBODY :)

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

...and I am still learning kissing tricks from her........

Peter said...

OMG, and I thought I was given a rough deal when I grew up.

You see, one day my parents summoned me to their bedroom. My mother was smiling (but she smiled 24/7, being an early botox adopter), happily handing over a book that still scares me to this very day.

"You're GAY, deal with it" the cover read. I actually felt like dropping dead on the floor, until my father started encouraging me to befriend my gay nephew, who intended to join a gay rights march in Brussels.

Needless to say, that was the day I planned my escape from Belgian suburbia, and never returned.

You see, it's very easy to skip the kissing part.

(wait, it that 'hugs and kisses" or "adult rated"?)

Peter in Antwerp, Belgium

Reverend Awesome said...

Peter! That's awesome.
Your parents sound swell. From the botox to the book.

I wish my parents would have given me a book that said, "Stop Worrying About Your Vagina"

Ok. I probably would have freaked out.

Fran said...

I'm hoping age is not relevant, because I, too, was a late bloomer in all the arts of relations with boys. I sometimes think I still don't even know.

I'm going for a first-date scenario because it was much worse than my first kiss! I worked on Service Merchandise and I had to clue that this kid even liked me. Mark was his name. He asked me out after work one night. It was out-of-the-blue, but I accepted.

My mom was excited for me and allowed me to go on this 11:30 adventure. I do recall wearing black jeans on this excursion. Sick! Well, I didn't really like Mark. The date included driving to the east side where a fellow co-worker lived. Mark drank a 40 oz. and I was horrified! I tried to insist that I drive and he shouldn't, because I had no idea about alcohol consumption.

I told him I had to get home. As we were driving, he tried to take me to Johnston to some gazebos?! Yeah. Well, I wasn't down and I made him take me home, after having to refuse his ending for this magical night.

It was awkward. I hated it. Plus, I was never the kind of girl to go about talking to boys, or letting them know I liked them, especially, boys that I didn't like. I have plenty more of stupid things in my life to share, but this one came first to mine.

P.S. Glad you got the vagina thing figured out. Oh, and that pressing faces together was what I thought as well. It was hard kissing and it didn't seem pleasant!

Reverend Awesome said...

I KNEW you would have an awesome story, Fran! You did not disappoint. Love it!!!

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