Thursday, October 1, 2009
When I was younger I was confused about many things. A lot of things having to do with body parts and what have you. How doing it really works. The usual. I think probably every one was. If you say you weren’t then you’re a liar! Or probably had older siblings that sort of filled you in on the ways of the world. As the oldest I was a trailblazer. Not only did I break in my parents for my younger sister and brothers...You guys got to go out after dark. You little shits. You know who you have to thank for that? Me and all my sneaking out and wearing Mom and Dad down. You’re welcome. I also had to figure everything out for myself.
The first stop, vaginas. Well they rather confused me. I have one, always have. I just thought that mine probably wasn’t right as I saw the way people in movies were having sex and I didn’t think that would work out for me. I got that a penis was supposed to go in and everything. That I wasn’t confused about. It was where in God’s name it was supposed to go. Don’t worry, everyone. I’ve sorted out vaginas. Thank you.
Second thing. Kissing. Like the kissing couples do. I thought people smashed their faces together really hard and moved their heads all around. I knew your lips were supposed to meet and everything, but I thought that was just a focal point of face smashing. To horrify my mom let me tell you the story of what her first kiss was like. Dude blew in her mouth. Yes. He filled it up with air. See. Not the only confused person on this earth. I remember the time of her 10 year reunion we were sitting out on the deck and I was trying to convince her to go. She said she didn’t want to go because she didn’t want to see that guy because he might remember blowing in her mouth. Way to wreck a possibly fun reunion, weirdo.
After my first kiss I thought everyone would be able to tell that I kissed someone. I thought it clearly showed all over my face and that I better sit my parents down and tell them. I sat in my room forever wondering how I was going to break the news to them. Finally, I just let it go and kept it secret. No one was questioning why I had that slutty, been kissed look on my face so I was in the clear.
Oh and there was more. So much more. But we can save that shame for another time.
If you have any confusing life events, please share. Make me feel less alone.