Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ode to Uncle Mike

My Uncle (Dad's brother) is a freaking genius. Whenever I see his facebook status updates my day is immediately made. We may not agree on politics but who gives a shit when a person is this hilarious? Here are some samplings of his facebook wit. You're welcome.

On This Day In History, September 15,1847: The United States government ceded stewardship of the Western Territory Asylum For The Permanently Insane to the young state of Iowa, whose government promptly renamed the institution, 'Waukee'.

Daphne is right about the zombie, vampire, werewolf thing.

'When I saw that in print, I giggled and gurgled like a douche bag full of sparkling wine.": Oliver Wendell Holmes

10. Ten, I'm not a fig plucker or a fig plucker's son, but 'll pluck figs 'til the fig pluckin's done.

9. Nine nibbling newts, nibbling gnats, knuckles and nicotine.

8. Eight egotistical egoists echoing egotistical ecstacies.

7. Seven Sicilian sailors, sailing the seven seas.

"Be advised that there is a warning on the brown acid going around. Of course, it is your own trip, but be advised, there is a warning on that..."

Told ya so, you fuckin' shitheads. (After getting 0% Asshole on a quiz)

"Key Lime Pie-The great taste of air freshener, in a pie." C. McGee

My dogs love my duets with Nat Cole more than Natalie's. Their hearing is remarkable !

This Day In History: August 16, 1977 Elvis Presley turns his back on music and becomes a truck driver, delivering Moon Pies to retail outlets in the northern midwest.

Every time I hear Pat Benatar sing, "Heartbreaker, Dream Maker, Mike Baker...", I just wish she would let it go.

Don't Be A Twat-Switch To Forty Watt___D. Klinkefus, Art III Poster Project

There is a new fad in Europe. Toads in toilets!

I watched a few minutes of Rachael Ray's show last Thursday and saw this: She was making what appeared to be a pizza and then the audience erupted into serious applause when Rachael introduced a pile of shredded cheese. Is this common?

The Rumors Are True: I WAS born without kneecaps. Furthermore, I only like dogs that don't have collar bones. Thank you, I feel so free now.

This pisses me off. (After getting a Peace Sign on a quiz about ‘What is your life symbol’)

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: July 25, 2005 I took the dogs to the summit of Mt. Everest. Radioed to base, "No big deal"

"A little song, a little dance, a little Seltzer down your pants." Chuckles T. Clown

Did Mike Jackson die?

Al Bell is long gone, maybe from that Hong Kong trip to play ping pong with King Kong.

JUNE 7: On This Date In History-1987- The residents of Redfield, Iowa, drove to Des Moines and shoplifted books for their new library.

Oh, I'm sorry. The correct answer is, Staple Remover, a staple remover. (After getting “slice of American Cheese” on a quiz about which random object he is)

In the summer of 2005, I took my dogs to Florida and taught them how to walk on water.

Who is Craig and why is my wife's name on his list?

Thinks he might have finally got the job as proof-reader for the stopp sign factory in Earlham. Keep your fingers crossed.

2 comments:

Becky Jo said...

HA! Double HA!

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

NO! You realize this dude is my new idol?????????

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