Thursday, July 16, 2009

Lies* My Parents Told Me

When I was a younger my parents used to make up all sorts of crap. Lies isn’t the proper word for it. They were storytellers and I believed every word that came out of their mouths. Such a foolish child.
So here are some examples of gullible, little me.

1. My Mom doesn’t spill—This is what she told me after she spilled some milk while we were eating breakfast. “Mom, you spilled!” “I don’t spill” and immediately confusion set in. I saw her spill with my very own eyes! Yet, she doesn’t spill. I confronted her with this knowledge and she repeated to me, “No, I don’t spill.” Holy crap! What did I just see happen?

2. Dad in Drag—I was in my bedroom, shouting for my Mom, as children tend to do. And then in walks my dad with something in his shirt to make it appear as though he had boobs. What in the world?! And he starts talking in a lady-like voice (as close to lady-like as his voice can get) and tells me that he’s Mom! “No you are not! You are Dad!” I thought he really thought he was Mom. Lock this lunatic up!

3. Mom Knows What Elvira is Saying—We used to have a dog named Elvira (which I named after the Oak Ridge Boys song). One time my Mom made a comment about what Elvira was thinking. My mom can speak for animals! That was where my mind immediately went. From then on out I would beg my mom to tell me what Elvira was saying, always trying to get her to go outside with me and tell me. Which she would often do. She was good at it!

4. Car Lies–Cruise control makes the car drives itself and Being out of gas—
So much drama in the car. I asked my mom what the button that said “cruise” meant. Her response: It makes the car drive itself. Well why in the world were we not cruising everywhere? How does it know when to stop or where we are going? “You tell it where to go” LIES!
I would often hear “we’re out of gas” guess when I heard it? While we were driving! Driving with gas! When presented with this questions I would hear some more lies about fumes.

5. THE mother of all lies...My Dad can’t read!
One night I asked my Dad to read me a book, which he had done many times before. His response, “I can’t read” I felt TERRIBLE. Somehow all those other times he read for me didn’t come to mind. All I knew was my Dad can’t read and I never asked him to again.

And now I see the same thing happening with Tori. My Dad pretends he doesn’t know colors. One time he forgot this little “game” of his and said the proper color of something.
“Kasey! Grandpa Bill said that this is orange...AND IT IS!” She was so proud. She thinks she’s been teaching him colors. She and I are so alike, poor girl.

*These “lies” clearly should have not been believed by anyone. I was a very literal child.


Becky Jo said...

Honest to dog, I laughed out loud whilst reading this. I'm sure my parents did similar things, but I just can't remember.

I do, however, remember my Dad putting aftershave on me telling me I smelled 'pretty' and encouraging me to try a dip of RedMan, because it made hair grow on your chest. I would reply "But Daddy, girls don't have hair on their chests!". :)

Kasey aka Captain Awesome said...

I remember all these lies because they were the cause of soo much trauma! There are more. Oh so many more.

One time my Dad made me say to my mom, "It's fucking magic" when we were watching a video for Magic by the cars. Oh she got mad at me! I didn't know I was saying a bad word. My dad is a trouble maker.

I'm glad you let your Dad know what's what. My Dad made me try his beer. There was no declaration of it growing hair on my chest though.

Mindless Jabber said...

This is my favorite blog thus far! Hilarious! I, also, was a very literal child. I think that's how all children are, or most anyway?!

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